EXHAUSTING DAY OF FUN!

There are many aspects to who I am. Most of you know the broken mom and the housewife and the aspiring author so now I am enjoying letting you get to know the other part of me.  I am  a published author.

So, as a published author, I can't imagine having to go on a real book tour or having a bustling book release party. All of the traveling and sitting and signing would probably drive me nuts (although I hope to do it someday!)  But for now, since I'm not famous and nobody knows me enough to want to host a book signing, I will settle for virtual tours and book launches. As a matter of fact I had a 12 hour long (10 with breaks) Virtual Release Party yesterday.  Oh my goodness was it fun!  But dang, I never imagined how tiring it could be. Every hour on the hour (except for 4pm and 6pm) I had to be there to post something new.  Pictures, excerpts, buy links, sneak peeks etc.

I can say for sure that I slept very well last night!  I received a lot of feedback and I actually gave away a signed copy of one of my books and a free kindle copy of my latest book. People were actually interested in getting my stuff! (And no, all of them weren't friends and family, ha!) In all actuality I knew one of the winners because we met on a baby website/facebook because we have kiddo's the same age and the other person I don't know at all.  It is so exciting to know that my name is finally getting out there a bit! :)

I also like some of the reactions I had to my excerpts and plotlines for future books. My email and message box were blowing up!  Yesterday was one of the biggest highs I've ever had.  It was truthfully a glorious day. Now to see how it affects sales, if at all.  The next few days will be a test to see if I feel happy or disappointed. But even if I do feel disappointed, there will still be an element of happiness because I am writing, I am sharing what I love, and I am having one hell of a time doing it.

I am me - I am broken, I am blogger, I am author, I am happy!
Thanks everyone for your support.

Until Next Time...Sometimes the best days exhaust us, but you shouldn't let that take away from your joy.  Bask in the exhaustion, knowing that you have done something wonderful.

THEY LIVE ON, IN YOUR HEART

Tomorrow would have been my daddy's 74th birthday.  Some years, I don't think about it until it's over but this year I think it popped up in my mind because of The Senior's graduation.  My daddy actually got to meet her, I remember he held her when she was a baby - her head in his hand and her butt in the crook of his arm, as comfortable and safe as she could be, cradled in his large hands. I really wish he could be there to see it, or at least to receive pictures of it when it is over.  I wish he could know what is going on, but then again maybe he does know and my sadness comes from not being able to be the one to tell him.

I'm sure I will feel the same way when The Freshman graduates too. He was able to see her a few times before he passed. I remember once, after he was already sick and the strength in his arm was really bad.  He was afraid to hold her, but she was old enough to sit on his knee and balance herself. I remember her sitting there giggling as her grandfather's big shaky hand held onto her as best it could. This was a child who wasn't super smiley or giggly and she was very uncomfortable with people she didn't know well, but she was happy as could be sitting on her grandfather's knee.

And when my other kids graduate I'm sure I will think of him too because he never got to meet them and this is one life event where I will wish he could come back long enough to see their big day. Do you ever think about your lost loved ones on special days? I think for me it is the really special ones that bring up the memories.  Things like graduations, engagements and weddings.

I don't have a whole lot of beliefs about spirits and Heaven and Hell, but the one thing I do believe for sure is that my father knows his grandkids.  No matter how many times he saw them in real life, he knows them well.  He knows the struggles, triumphs and pretty much everything else in their lives. I don't know that he would be proud of them, I know that he IS proud of them.  The Senior had an award ceremony the other day the celebrated her being in the top 10 percent of graduating seniors in our district.  Her grandfather knew this and he was so proud of her.  I know that on Grad night, he will be there somewhere, the proudest grandfather ever as his Granddaughter graduates high school in the top ten of her district and as a member of the national honor society and the Japanese honor society, as he will be there and proud of all of his grandkids when they graduate.  And get engaged, and married and have kids of their own.

So on my daddy's birthday I try to feel happy and celebratory because it reminds me that he might be physically gone, but I truly believe he is still here with us, loving us and being a huge part of our lives. I save the sadness at his loss for the anniversary of the day we lost him physically.

Until Next Time...Only you can keep someone alive...in your heart. They might not be here physically, but they can still be a part of you, a part of your life if you open your heart and let them live in a tiny part
of it.  There's plenty of room, the heart is unlimited in every way. <3

LIFE LESSONS - FOR MY CHILDREN, FOR EVERYONE

Lately, I have been in a lot of pain and pretty much feeling more useless than normal.  I feel like I have been holed up in a little cocoon more than usual lately. So when I am pretty much home bound, what do you think my favorite part of the day is? Any guesses?  My favorite parts of the day are after everyone is safely at school and it is just Mr. Crazy, Little Butt and myself.

 If Mr. Crazy hasn't had a run in with one of his bossy older sisters yet that morning he is an absolute angel and when he isn't playing games on the computer, playing fighting games in real life or playing with one of his multitude of toys, he will sit by me and snuggle with me.  Sometimes he even begs me to let him use my computer so he can sit by me while I write.  He is such a good kid....until others come home and then he can turn into the devil (we figure, he has a new audience to get attention from so he works it, just not in a positive way.  He knows that if he tries to cuddle them like he does me they will shoo him away but if he acts up they give him exactly what he wants - attention.) 

Little Butt is a complete snuggle bug. She likes to sit with me and play games on the Kindle Fire or listen to music on YouTube. And best of all she likes to rock - a - bye in the rocking chair.  That is her favorite thing to do ever. And she will only do it with me if her oldest sister isn't home. (Hey, it's not my fault she started calling Little Butt up on her lap to avoid doing chores and now she is stuck with a mini shaddow who has turned into a typical two year old screamer if she doesn't get what she wants - I know it's mean to say, but I told her so...You can't complain about something your brought on yourself)

So what is my least favorite part of the day?  When all of the kids are here and the fighting and complaining starts.  OMG it drives me nuts.  They fight over the stupidest stuff.  God forbid one of them has slightly more chores than the other that day or gets slightly more food on their plate at dinner.  And the littler ones like to fight about personal space issues.  So I have come up with a list of stuff that my kids need to learn so we can all live in peace together and enjoy each other more when live goes to shit. (And they are good lessons for the future too.  You can't live life complaining, whining, waiting on others or being in control at all times, or your life is going to be awful.)

1. Do not complain about stuff your bring on yourself.  If something you do has consequences  live with it and learn to deal with it. If you created a monster, you need to work on taming it, not making it worse because it annoys you.

2. Life is not fair, not always even.  If you did more chores for a few years, that does not mean that for the next ten the others have to do more than you! It all evens out in the end and all you have to do is what your parents tell you to do and we will all be fine. (Kind of insulting that they would think I would favor one over the other. :/)

3. Worry about yourself! Just because you are

working on a project/homework/chore does not mean the other person has to do it too, at the same time.  They will get theirs done or the will get into trouble. Worry about getting your own stuff done whether the other person is working or not.  

4. You don't have to be in control all of the time. You are children, enjoy it.  Do not always think you have to be in charge of everything because eventually someone is going to get sick of it and call you on it. People don't like to be dominated all the time. If you try to take over someones life, they are going to fight back eventually and the relationship is going to suffer greatly.

So what brought this line of thought on?  With all of the bad stuff going on lately - Boston, West, TX, N. Korea etc., I feel the need to find a way to make our lives better so we can enjoy the good times more and deal with the bad times easier when they come.  We never know when a day will be our last or when someone we love will see their last day, and regrets are really hard to live with.

Until Next Time... Hold your loved ones tight and don't make life so difficult. Enjoy your time together because you don't have forever. <3 Our hearts go out to those affected by the tragedies in Massachusetts and Texas.

PROUD TO BE ME

I'm not sure if I will watch TV just for me ever again. (At least not regularly) No more House Hunters marathons, No more Criminal Minds every Wednesday, No more sit in front of the TV September nights to catch all of the new shows.  I will never know what people are talking about when they rave over The Walking Dead or one of the many other shows that are plastered all over Facebook. (And I can't remember the names of at the moment)

I do watch a lot of TV though...a lot of kids TV.  I enjoy me some Mickey Mouse, Pooh Bear, Neverland Pirates and Doc McStuffins!  And I do have favorite shows.  I thoroughly enjoy Kickin' It on Disny XD and I even watched a marathon the other day. You should have seen how excited I got when I found out that one of the actors on that show is the real life brother of "Rico" from Hannah Montana  (And yes, I was also an avid Hannah Montana watcher. You couldn't have torn me away from the series finale for all the money ice cream in the world) And the other night when the new season of Kickin It started...the kids and I were front and center. Good Luck Charlie is also a favorite, how can I not love a show about a crazy family with five kids? haha.

One of my favorite older shows, that we watch a lot,
is Suite Life of Zack and Cody. And of course there is always Wizards of Waverly Place and half a dozen or more shows. I also have a soft spot for Victorious whenever I'm in the mood for musical television.

You see, we have two TV's in the house, one in the living room and one in the master bedroom.  I guess I could lock myself up in my room and watch what in the hell I wanted, but first of all I hate being confined to one closed in room. Second, The Shooter likes to stay in the bedroom during his free time and he usually goes to bed much earlier than me so that leaves out watching what I want to watch, when I want to watch it (I love watching TV most in the evenings/night). Third, I always feel a bit like I am not able to do as much for my kids as other parents so I LIKE being in the living room with them while I relax, or work on my novels. (Don't get me wrong, there are times when I would kill -not literally- to have alone time.)

So when we are out front in the living room, the kids rule the TV and not usually because I don't want to hear them bitchin and moanin about not being able to watch their shows, but because most of the shows I like (except house hunters) aren't appropriate for the younger three.  And these are all of the reasons why I have become a children's TV fan. I either like what is on or I suffer miserably with no entertainment in my life (except my wonderful blog fans and facebook ;p). I'm a Disney and a Nickelodeon fan and I don't care who knows it!!!! :D

Until Next Time...The main lesson I wanted to teach with this blog is to not be ashamed of your likes and dislikes.  You will always run into haters who make fun of or hate what you adore, but you just have to ignore them and like what you want to. We are all individuals and have our own likes and dislikes and those who can't accept that are the ones with the problem, not us 'fans' who enjoy what we do/watch/take part in.

SENIOR PROM

It is prom time here and this will be the last chance for The Senior to go to one.  But she really isn't interested in going.  A lot of people give her flack about not wanting to go, they say she will regret it when she is older.  I told her to follow her heart and do what she wants. What is true for one person isn't true for others.

I never went to prom and I don't regret it one bit. I never sat there wondering what could have been.  To me prom seemed to be somewhat of an overwhelming  prospect. Perfect dresses, dinner plans, so much money, being in a crowded gym that was beautifully decorated but still a gym. So much to do and plan, so many expectations to live up to when I just wasn't interested at the time. I did often wonder if I would someday regret it, but it is now twenty-four years later and I'm not too upset at all. 

I think the reasons for not wanting to go to prom have changed in some ways over the years, and not changed in others. I know for The Senior, a big reason for not going is how the kids dance nowadays. Let's just say, from what I've been told, these kids put dirty dancing to shame! And the school can't seem to get a handle on it. They have a plan in place where the kids get two wrist bands and if you get caught once you lose a wrist band and have a 'time out' and then if you get caught again, you lose the last wrist band and get kicked out.  Ummm when I was in school you got caught doing something like that once and you were gone and on in-school suspension for three days. Period. End of damn story.  So, not only were you out the money you spent on your date, but you also got to spend the next three school days looking at the inside of a cubicle in the suspension room. Needless to say, there wasn't much misbehavior at our school dances. 

There are also the usual social reasons for not wanting to go that haven't changed over the years. Will my dress be pretty enough? Can we afford to do all of the fun stuff that other kids are doing, do I know my date well enough to know that he/she isn't going to try to get something I'm not ready to give up? Am I a good enough dancer. Do I have the courage to ask someone to go to the dance with me?  

Well, for the Senior there would be no problem getting her a dress because we had just had our tax refund and they have a great consignment type shop here that carries all of the latest styles of dresses and is affordable and if worse comes to worst, the school nurse keeps a stash to lend out for free (and they are very nice dresses) We could also come up with some extra spending money for stuff if we had to and her boyfriend would definitely make sure she had a great time. That brings us to the other problem some kids have, asking someone to the prom.  Because she has a steady boyfriend, she would have a ready made date whom she trusts and shares moral views with (as a mom I sure hope that is true right!?!?). She might be worried about whether she is a good dancer, but I don't think that is at the top of her worry list and if she wanted to there are always dance lessons offered by the school (another effort to try to clamp down on dirty dancing).  

But once she thought about it and sat down with her boyfriend and discussed it, she decided that prom just wasn't for her. It was not one of those things she wanted to do.  Why couldn't she and her boyfriend go out to dinner, hang out with friends before they head to prom, and maybe take in a movie or some other activity like that. And they can still make it a special date to remember just as a prom is for some. (Although she didn't ask if she could do this, she just told me she was going to and that could have been bad, because I could have been mean mommy and said no. But I might just give her a break this time because after all senior prom night only comes once...even if you aren't going to prom.) 

I am so proud that The Senior didn't let her friends talk her into doing something she just really didn't want to do. Something that would have been a waste of money and resources and would have been a very uncomfortable situation for her and her date. If you want to go, then do it, and make sure you have a wonderful memory filled night to remember, but if you don't want to go, don't sweat it! Even if all you do is stay home and read a book, that is fine because it was a choice that you made.  Be proud of that!  

And to cover all bases, for those who truly can't afford it, or can't find a date, don't regret it because it isn't the end of the world.  Prom is what you make it. If you know you don't have a date or can't afford to go, turn prom into something that just isn't for you. Be positive about your feelings and never regret a thing you've done. 

Until Next Time...Don't let people pressure you into doing something you don't want to do! Do what you feel is right. And if you can't do something you wanted to, don't regret it, there are far more important things to worry about in life. 

DEPRESSION

I am in such a glorious funk right now.  I have no idea what is causing it. It could be because my pain is much worse than it has been in a long time, it could be because certain family members are being horrible to everyone around them, it could be because my medication sometimes gets stuck going down for some weird reason so I don't take it as often as I should.  I just really don't know. That depression/anxiety monster keeps rearing it's head and frankly I'm sick and tired of it.  I can't write much, I can't do all of the marketing for my books that I want to.  The only thing I can do is take care of my kids and work on my relationship with the hubs.

It makes me wonder if  I should consider giving up writing (permanently or temporarily). It makes me wonder if I should beg borrow and steal money to send the family to the nephews wedding this summer and go back and see my mommy (some friends are in the process of losing their mom right now and it makes me miss mine terribly)

I guess with stuff like this (busy, crazy, out of control life and career), you might never know what is bringing it all on because there is just so much stuff going on. I've been meaning to write about depression for a long time, but it is just so hard for me to organize my thoughts over it because it is so different for every person.  

Depression for me is something that runs in the background. It is like a nagging child/spouse/parent that won't leave you alone but doesn't cause a huge problem.  Anxiety and fear on the other hand are huge, life altering problems for me. And these three things tend to go hand in hand for a lot of people.  If I have trouble with fear and anxiety,  depression is also noticeable. 

But this time it is different. I don't really feel any anxiety or fear.  I am completely able to dive right into trying to get my name/books out there, as in I'm not scared to do it, but I am having a hard time actually getting down to the task. (and if it was a typical episode, I never would have published in the first place).

So how does fear and anxiety manifest itself in me?  I wont' answer the phone, I shake when I have to drive somewhere, I won't answer the door even if it is the postal service/ups, I will go out and about, but I am extra shy, even around people I already know. I would never publish a book or ask people to buy it (even online where there is always a certain anonymity) I would never comment on other people's blogs. I would lose sleep worrying over the kids, the finances, everyday life.  Thank goodness I haven't had this kind of anxiety/fear in many many years! 

Depression for me is just an overall feeling of melancholy  It is also not wanting to do what I enjoy - taking the kids places, going on dates with the hubs, writing, reading, computer time.  And I cry at the drop of a hat. Mainly I just want to be left alone.  I guess you could say that the depression I'm feeling right now is not as bad as what I mentioned above.  I just feel kind of blah, I don't want to do anything but relax and play. I don't want to work on my book and I don't want to do marketing for my already released books. 

Friends and family think most of it has to do with my pain and the fact that I seem to not have enough time in the day to do what i want and need to do. I guess, I kind of agree with that because my physical limitations are really getting to me.  I just want to be whole again (or even partially whole). I just want to not feel pain/weakness/stiffness when I want to take a quick trip to the store. I just want to be able to lift my baby and carry her into the store. I just want to feel healthy again. And I have so much to do.  I need to write, I need to market, I need to take care of the kids, I need to enjoy the new found closeness that the hubs and I have found. And when I feel overwhelmed, I get depressed.  

So, how am I going to cure this?  Well, as soon as my current prescription runs out I'm going to ask the doctor about maybe taking four ten mg. pills a day instead of the one forty mg pill that always gets stuck (Only pill ever in my life I've had trouble swallowing and have you seen some of those prenatal vitamins- they are huge) And then I need to come up with some way to get healthier.  I have started a 'diet' and I am searching in depth for answers about my hips (sorry, can't afford a doctor at this time). And I think I will try to make a schedule and actually stick to it.  I will have to split everything up but I think I can still do what I need to do.

Until Next Time... Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!!! GET HELP!

Depression and anxiety are not fun. If you think you might have it, please ask for help. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to.  There is help, and it is manageable. If you are already being treated and nothing is working, keep asking for more or new medicines.  The right dosage might take time.  And talking to someone is very very important. Sometimes just talking about things can help greatly.  And no matter what, if you are put on medication to help your depression do not go off of it without doctor supervision! If you have to, set a timer so you remember to take it, that's what I've done.  

Anybody who would like to tell there story or do a guest post about depression and or anxiety is welcome to do so.  Please just let me know.  Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help someone struggling to get the help they need.  brokenwifeandmom@gmail.com

PRETTY COLORS AND SWIRLIES OH MY

I have a new addiction/obsession. I didn't plan on it, but it happened and it slowly taking over my free time.  You see I received a Kindle Fire as a gift and I thought I would be spending a lot of time on it catching up with my midnight reading or playing four pictures one word types of games and maybe watching the occasional movie with my free month of Amazon Prime.  Well you know, I've done a bit of that stuff, but how do I spend a majority of my free time these days???

Playing with the Kaleidoscopic drawing app.  I basically sat there for hours the other day when I was under the weather running my finger over the touch screen again and again and again.. (See and you folks didn't think I had an exciting life...haha!) How can it not be fun right?  Colors and swirlies and mirror images oh my!

It used to be when I would come home from going somewhere I would get on the computer to market this blog or my books and check all of my stats obsessively (Yeah, I talked about that last time I think).  Well, the last few days I head straight for my kindle and my kaleidoscope app. Who cares if I'm going to sell books right? Umm well I actually do care and I have kept up with the marketing, just maybe not as religiously as I should.  I am proud to say that I haven't been checking my stats obsessively :)  (Are you proud of me?).

So how did I realize that I was addicted/obsessed or whatever you call it?  When one of my kids asked if they could have a turn on my kindle (yes I downloaded stuff for them and in fact the kaleidoscope was supposed to be theirs). I grabbed the damn kindle and held it to my chest and cried..."No! Leave me alone, I'm drawing!"  Um yeah, I think it's time I revisit my priorities here.  I have vowed to let my kids use the kindle more (okay, once  day each if they behave) The rest of the time it is MINE!!!  I must see the colors and pretty swirlies, I must see the colors and pretty swirlies, I must see the colors and... Oh um, sorry about that.  I am hoping that some day I can put the kindle down and get back to life as I know it....Kids, Husband, Marketing, Writing and REPEAT. ( See, I told you that you didn't think I had an exciting life!)

Until next time... We all have our little obsessions/addictions but they usually go away with time.  So I guess I'm trying to say enjoy it while you can because eventually life will come back to you and intrude...and then it is onto the next one! ;) (And check out the kaleidescope app, it's hella fun! )

SPRING BREAK...FUN AT HOME!!!

Well, spring break is over and I am still alive, as are all of the children and the husband too!  We actually had a nice break.  We have a new living room floor and will soon have a new kitchen one too.  We have new furniture that we got at a great deal.  A couch, love seat, and rocking chair for six hundred dollars.  I'll tell you right now, I don't know what I will do without tax refunds once the kids are gone and we don't get much.  This year we got enough to do our floors, replace our stained tattered furniture, pay off some debt and publish my books.

NEW LIVING ROOM FLOOR (AND LITTLE BUTT)

What was the funnest part of our little vacation?  Just doing nothing too important!  I didn't make the kids do too many chore projects (laundry is still behind but we'll catch up...eventually). About 3/4 of the way through we decided that maybe we shouldn't put off the flooring or furniture any longer so the last few days were really busy but the rest of the time included lots of x box time,  reading time, social networking time.  It was really fun!

The weather was great most days so the little ones got to go outside and play which was a life saver for us.  Cabin fever can kiss my a**! This is not to say that there still aren't some lingering effects. The kids fought like crazy.  The Senior and The Freshman, Miss Crazy and Mr. Insane, Mr Insane and Little Butt.  Those are the times when I am tempted to have that dungeon built under our home...but then they start getting along again and we start to have fun. There were lots of family dinners (lunches and breakfasts too)  And The Shooter took the time to have a father/child date with each of the kids.  Doesn't happen often with his work schedule, that's for sure!

I published my two books and have done a lot of social networking. I see words like twitter, linkedin, facebook, etc. floating before my eyes while I sleep now. :/  But the kids are back in school.  The Shooter is back at work and as soon as I am done typing up this blog I will be starting work on book 2 of the Sunset Destiny Romance series.  I am excited to get back to work, but I wish spring break was just another week long!

THE FRESHMAN AND MISS CRAZY ON THE NEW LOVE SEAT

I didn't get much chance to sleep in because I had so much networking to do and we had so much work the last couple of days (floor and furniture) but that's okay because when I got home from dropping Miss Crazy off at school this morning. I laid back down and fell back to sleep for a bit and then the shooter took me out for breakfast.  So all is now good with the world...except...I have to drive daily again...blech  and I have to do it in the snow today.  The forecast said high forties, partly cloudy and chance of rain showers in the afternoon.  By nine o'clock it was snowing like crazy.  We aren't supposed to get much, but it was totally not what we'd been expecting.  I had shorts picked out for Little Butt to wear around the house and I think The Senior was planning on wearing a dress. So, the winter coats came back out and we are eagerly looking forward to the sixty degree weather coming up later in the week.  After writing all of this, I think the key word for this last week was....RELAXING.  I finally had a chance to relax a bit.  Not totally because after all, I am a mom, but some.  That's fine by me!  I enjoyed it thoroughly!!!

Until next time...Sometimes breaks aren't for seeing how much fun you can get into a short period. Once in a while when you get that break, just enjoy it.  Just relax and be grateful that you aren't super busy for once. <3

MY LITTLE CHATTERBOX - NUMBER 5

Well, the silent times are over.  It is official, I now have five chatterboxes living in my house.  Little Butt could talk and knew many words, but she just didn't do it much, especially all at once.  And now we can never shut her up.  She has something to say about everything that is going on in the house.  And she has already learned from her sisters to be a smart ass and to speak with attitude.

My wittle chatterbox

Typical conversation these days:

Me: Little Butt no. We don't do that.
Me: Little Butt mama said no!
Little Butt: No mama me do it. (look of defiance on her face)
Me: Little but No! We don't do that. (re direct her)
Little Butt: No mama me do it. Mama bad. (screaming and crying)

Sigh...She was so quiet at first, I had such hope that she wouldn't be a big talker.  But I should have know better. Her brother  was the same way and now he talks all the time (okay yells, but that is a whole other story) The other girls all talked continuously from day one. I guess I will never get a word in edgewise now, but that's okay because truthfully I'm tired of saying no and stop! haha

The other day Little Butt literally sat there and chattered about everything she was doing, for almost two hours.  It was so cute!  But also a bit frustrating because she was talking to me the whole time. Luckily I can understand most of what she was saying, but when I didn't, boy was there hell to pay!  I think she will have the speech problem three of the others had but that's okay, that is what speech therapists are for right?

Sweet chatter girl!

So, I had hoped that one day my house could be a quiet one, but now I'm not so sure.  She could always grow up to be a silent, broody teen, but with me as a mother and The Shooter as a father....yeah, I somehow doubt that.  We all have the gift of gab I would say.  I think our house will be crazy noisy until the last one leaves (Little Butt). But you know what?  I think I'll take it.  What would I do with quiet anyway?  Truthfully I think I would probably go insane with too much quiet.  I wouldn't know how to live that way anymore. (Although, I could do with a little less yelling ).

Besides, Little Butt talking can be the cutest thing you've ever heard.  When the dog licks here she turns to him, points and says stop it kroogie, like she's the boss of the world.  You really can't get any cuter than that.

Until next time... Sometimes, the things that you think are annoying actually have become a way of life for you, a way of life you actually can't live without.  Enjoy it! :)

COURAGE

Yesterday was a huge day for my family. Something we had all been working toward finally came to fruition. I became a published author. Everybody is so happy for me and I am grateful for the support.

So the day was all a giant celebration right? Nope. It was at first.  The family went out for lunch and they gave me peace and quiet while I finished up the marketing and kindle publishing. But then as usual  mama started to get a bit overwhelmed. Still excited - absolutely. Still grateful - absolutely. Absolutely one hundred percent overwhelmed - Oh hell yeah!

The Shooter and I decided to go out for dinner alone to celebrate and I perked up a bit, but as soon as we got home I started to slide again.  What the hell had I gotten myself into! People on my Facebook groups were talking about reading what I'd written. Crap what had just happened? Just a couple years ago it was almost impossible for me to let anyone read what I wrote. I had to literally force myself to let my own husband read it, and here I was putting it out there for everyone to read.

I started to second guess myself. What if it sucked.  What if the feedback I got from friends, family and strangers was all a lie.  What if I disappointed my friends when they read the book.  What if, what if, what if.  I had a lot of that going on last night! By the time I went to bed, I was about ready to crawl into a hole and hide forever so I wouldn't have to see the faces/hear the voices/see the posts of people who were reading my book.  I convinced myself that I didn't have any talent whatsoever and that I had just embarrassed myself on a global scale.

I read for a bit before bed - another self published author who I wont' mention by name, and checked Facebook on my phone one last time.  There I found out from a friend that my kindle version was finally available so of course I had to drag my big butt out of bed to get online to check. And there it was, in all it's glory, with a preview of the prologue, chapter 1 and part of 2. I read it and truthfully it was good. Much better than the book I'd just been reading (and it wasn't that bad really). I know I am nowhere near a great writer, I will probably never be the next Steven King, or Nora Roberts, , Edgar Alan Poe, or Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens). But you know, I could be worse and I think I wove a great story. And I know I will get better with time and with each book I write and each bit of studying I do.

So, what did it take for me to be a published author?  Courage. Plain and simple it took courage.  But how did I get that courage?  I am the biggest chicken s**t in the world when it comes to putting myself out there.  I hate criticism and I hate negativity. Well, truthfully I will never know what gave me the courage.  I had a lot of support and great people to work with, but I don't think that would have been enough to get me over my horrible fears.  All I know is that I am grateful for the courage I was able to come up with because this is absolutely the best feeling in the world right now.  I can't count on both hands how many books I've sold so far and the rush is incredible.  I know I will have more moments of self doubt (probably many more) but I am prepared to combat them.......with COURAGE.

Until next time...If you finally find the courage to do something you've always wanted to do but were too afraid to pursue it, then go with the flow!!!! Don't question it, just do it! Courage can pop up in times when you least expect it and for that I will be forever grateful.

I DID IT!!!

So, guess what I did on Friday?  Yep!  I finished the romance novel I was writing. I think the only thing I've ever been that thrilled about in my life was getting married and giving birth. If my hips hadn't been hurting, I think I could have done some sort of end zone dance or maybe jumped off the roof in joy.  But I just kinda danced around the house and got a lot of hugs from my kids.

These kids (characters in my book) were conceived eight years ago and I just now finally gave birth! Now we are in the editing stage right now.  The senior is an aspiring English teacher so she is doing all of the punctuation/grammar editing and then I and my friend will do content editing. Someday, hopefully, I will be able to hire someone to do the editing because I hate hate hate doing it myself. Layout is pretty much set (and I must say the interior is going to be pretty), we just have to plug in the finished project when I type in all of the changes.  Sigh....Someday I will hire a typist. I used to love to type, but I just can't sit and do it like I want to, because of my hips.

So what's next?  Well, I have to decide on a cover. I never thought this part of the project would be so hard! I want it to be super special though because I can't afford to buy rights to a lustful couple picture to put on there. I have three options right now that I love, but I JUST CAN'T DECIDE!  I have been asking for opinions and it still doesn't make it any easier, because once my friends chose one, I find another style I like.  So, my point with this? It might take another eight years to publish because I can't chose a damn cover! Haha!

So, after the cover is picked we will wrap up all loose ends and it will be time to publish.  I am so excited I can't even concentrate sometimes. lol  It looks like the book will be 5 x 8 and about 313 pages or so (not counting title, copyright etc. pages)  I thought I was going to be lucky to get 200 pages out of it.  So that was a pleasant surprise. This book has a little bit of everything; drama, love, passion, heartbreak, comedy, fun and SEX, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how long it is.

So, would you all like to read the synopsis that will appear on the back of my book?  Okay, here it is:  VIRGIN VOYAGE

Example of interior layout

"I've waited a lifetime to touch you like this"

Mari Mannon and Graham Blake always loved each other, but life kept getting in the way. An Alaskan cruise vacation might be just the place to overcome their demons and rebuild the love they once had--to discover a passion they’ve never known. But first, Mari must cast aside her inhibitions to become the independent, carefree woman she once was. And Graham must  learn to believe in love again. Can they find their way, or will everything fall apart for good?

And the good news? There will be four more books in the series. One about each of the Mannon Children - Next up is Alaskan Ambush! If you want to read excerpts of Virgin Voyage visit my other site http://www.writerjjellis.com 

Coming soon: Sneak peek at the cover! (If I ever chose one :/)

Until next time...Follow your dreams no matter how long it takes.  Keep at it, and no matter what, you have to work hard! 

I WANT I WANT I WANT TO EMBARRASS MY KIDS

You know that new car you want so bad you can barely stand it, but then you either can't find one you can afford or one that is just right? Or maybe that new gaming system? Or the new big screen TV? Or the new house? Or the new computer/tablet?

Then suddenly, one day you find just the right one and you can afford it and you finally get it!  You are so unbelievably excited.  You tell everyone you know about it, even strangers. And the minute you get it home/drive it/move in, it is all you can think about and you do everything you can to make it perfect and you don't want to leave it for the first month or more! So much excitement and joy in something so trivial right! You dance, you sing, you jump around and give people high fives (strangers and your kids mostly). But best of all, you embarrass the kids. (**evil grin**) Can you tell which one of those things is my favorite? Remind me one of these days to tell you about dancing in my chair and lip syncing to 80's music while I type my novel.  The kids hope and pray their friends aren't over then. (**another evil grin**)

This is it! (points and jumps up and down)

Well, the other day, I experienced the joy of finding that one perfect thing I have wanted for years. Can you guess what the product was? It was a desktop copy holder. You know, one of those mini easel looking things that hold your papers while you type.  Yep. I had been looking for one for years that would be just right. They were either too expensive (when I first started looking many years ago, they were in the $40.00 range and they all had to be ordered which meant shipping cost too) or I couldn't find just the right one, even at office supply stores. Well, I finally found the perfect one!!! With shipping I will be spending under $16.00. I am so excited I want to shout it from the rooftops. I just have to wait for it to arrive and then I will not let it out of my sight. I will probably even sleep with it. (Don't laugh, it will make me more likely to sleep with it. I'm defiant like that.)

What does this mean for me? It means no more sore neck and shoulders from having to bend over too far when I spend a marathon five hours at the dining room table working on my novel. (I know, I know, I really shouldn't do that, perhaps I should move to the couch for a bit? But don't you understand, I don't have a copy holder so it is even worse to sit on the couch because then the papers are too far away from me to read. Hmmm, maybe I need new glasses too?  I guess that will be the next purchase I get super excited about. But I won't sleep with those or they might break. haha!)

So, what is the point of this post? Is it to not be materialistic?  Nah, I think for many people we can't help but love our toys. I just try to balance that out with caring, charity and friendship. The point to this post is, even if you are weird enough for your kids to make fun of, keep being yourself.  (They'll either get over it or be embarrassed for the rest of their lives, which is great payback for all of the labor, headaches, and heartbreak.)

Until next time...Be yourself no matter what.  You can't be truly happy unless you are truly you!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

I have had kids home for a five day weekend and there is constant talking going on here (and usually driving me nuts) So I started to think about things that kids say. You know those silly, crazy, funny, scary, insane little gems we all know and love.

 I list this stuff into three categories:

1. Words they make up themselves as they learn to talk:

• Beenum Beenum - In our house this started out as peenum peenum first uttered by The Senior when she was first learning to talk and she wanted to say peanut butter.  Pretty soon, anything that was close to the consistency or look of peanut butter was called this. Eventually it morphed into beenum beenum.  The official definition now?  Diaper rash ointment. 
• Tampertakes- This was the word for pancakes when The Senior was little. We make sure the kids know the proper way to say stuff but once they do, pancakes become tampertakes again.
• Cooper-pons. This one I can't credit to my kids.  One Halloween we were handing out coupons for free donuts instead of candy and a little one asked what it was. When we told him a coupon for free donuts, he ran to his parents yelling Cooper-pon, Cooper-pon in the most excited little voice ever.  It was one of those super cute moments that makes you smile even years later. 
• Pupcakes - One of my oldest and dearest friends has a little girl Miss Crazy's age and she has always called cupcakes, pupcakes.  It is the cutest thing ever! 
• I think you could also put into this category things like how Little Butt calls Mickey Mouse hot dog because of the hot dog song. Instead of saying Gangnam Style she calls it Opp Opp again because of the word Oppa in the song and she is always asking us to play it again. 

2. Things they say that they aren't supposed to or that you aren't expecting them to:

• You know when a bird craps on the windshield and a child yells Bird Shit and it turns out to be there first real words.
• Or how about when my darling husband's brothers teased him that if he could ask for a cookie they would give him one (thinking he couldn't say it) and he said plain as day' Cookie Brubber'
• Or when a two year old is having trouble carrying something and drops it on their foot and instead of crying they drop an F bomb. Yeah, that's a fun one.

3. Things they say when they are trying to act grown up:

• Kids can be quite philosophical at times, without meaning to be. I've had a child tell me not to be sad because life was too short and I needed to get on with things. This was a 4 year old, and the thing I was supposedly sad about was that there was no more milk in the fridge. 
• The other day Miss Crazy was playing a game where she was an adult and she said: I'm old, i'm 105 but i'm dead now. Umm okay.  Not sure what she really meant, but at least she was having fun right? 

Until next time...Enjoy every minute of what your little kids say because they are only little and cute once. Before you know it they will be back talking, brooding, grumpy teens.

DISTRACTIONS AND GUILT - GOOD OR BAD

What is your biggest distraction? Right now for me it is YouTube. I have to listen to music while I write and the easiest place to make a set playlist is on my YouTube. Pandora plays songs I don't like and that is completely unacceptable when I'm working. (I know, I know, picky picky me) Besides, it's really annoying when I have to let Pandora know whether I like a song to have them play it again - even when i'm not working. I have Spotify too,but it doesn't work well on my computer for some reason so I haven't had a chance to figure out how it works yet.

So you might be asking me why YouTube is so distracting for me. The answer: It's the official videos/live performances! All of the songs I have on my playlist are ones that I have loved for years and most of them have videos/musicians that I grew up with. I can not keep myself from watching some of these over and over again. So, while I'm watching the videos my work has to wait until I am done.

I know what you are going to say next. "Don't put the videos on your playlist, use fan made vids and lyric vids to play the songs." You know what?  I've tried doing that and for some strange reason, I just can't.  For some reason it is just not the same and I end up deleting the play list to start again - with official videos/live performances.

Now my problem is this - how do I get a decent amount of work done when I have these videos tempting me time and time again?  I really have no solution.  Is it safe to say that I enjoy these distractions and really don't want to do anything about them?  YES!!! OMG I love watching videos while I work, but then I feel guilty when I don't just sit down and bang out twenty pages in a row. (Okay, maybe not twenty, but a lot.)

For now I think I will teach myself to be happy with the joy the videos/live performances give me and the energy I get from them to eventually do my work. I find that I am a bit more creative after one of my many 'breaks' to watch the videos.  Maybe someday I will learn to balance things, but then again maybe I won't. I am kind of enjoying myself and I know I can be trained to not feel guilty anymore.  So for now....Please carry on, I guess the status quo isn't so bad. (I may change my mind when I get picked up by a traditional publisher and my deadlines are no longer my own though! ;))

Until next time...Guilt can be so very powerful. However, we all need distractions (to a point). In the end, I believe they make us perform better. If you want or need a break, take it when you get the chance! And by all means, don't feel too guilty about it. :)

PHYSICALLY BROKEN - WHY?

I know it probably sounds like I am in a pretty bad self pity mood a lot lately, but I'm really not.  I am the happiest I have been in many many years.  The kids are doing really good (although we had a slight stress induced altercation between two of them the other day), My relationship is better than it has been in a long time and some of the spark is reignited. And my writing is going great. So what the hell is wrong with me now?  I am in some serious pain lately.  I think my hips are slowly but surely being helped by the exercises I have been doing, but that means I am hurting more with ever newly stretched muscle and popped joint, or could it be something else, something more sinister.

Emotionally I feel the most unbroken I've been in years, but physically I feel unbearably broken.  I am 42 years old and I feel as if my body is falling apart.  I start to feel great and my hips are able to move and the pain is at a minimum one day and then the next day I feel like I'm going to die. So what seems to be causing this problem.  Of course I truly believe the exercises help bring on the good days, but what brings on the bad....Two words...WAL MART.

I swear to you, every time I go to Wal Mart, the following day, I am in so much pain. You see, once upon a time, not too long ago, I worked there as a cashier. When I started working, I was healthy and happy.  About two months in, I started to suffer from intense foot pain. When I went to the doctor to find out what was going on (and maybe fix it so I could keep working) I was told that 90 percent of the foot pain patients they see work at the mart. Wow, my co workers weren't lying when they told me the floors would be the death of many feet, hips, backs and knees.

Come to find out I had plantar fascitis and although I probably would have developed it eventually anyway, it was brought on quicker by the floors I was standing on. I ended up only working there for two and a half months (and a month and a half of leave of absence) before I gave up the glamorous life to be a SAHM again. Within a month I started having my hip problems continuously instead of once or twice a year...and the rest is history. I know that if I have to go shopping, the pain will be worse for awhile, it's just how it is. (and please don't suggest I go to a different store because it really isn't possible.) I hope the exercises I am doing will eventually make me not fear shopping. Stronger hips will make better feeling hips.  And as for the foot, well that's just going to have to wait until I can afford 400 dollar custom inserts. :/

Now here comes the fun part.  I know I was destined to be broken , but I like to mess with people, so when they ask me how I became physically limited, instead of telling them that it is a birth defect (hips/back) or severe allergies (dizziness, sinus, migraine) or my lot in life (plantar fascitis) I just say Wal Mart. You should see the looks I get, especially from The Shooter's Co-workers as he still works for the corporation. I had all of these problems before I started working there, but only occasionally. After a couple of months standing on those floors I became a complete and utter mess. Coincidence? We may never know. It will be one of the greatest mysteries known to man. Um... I mean, who knows right? But I often have to wonder why I don't hurt nearly as much if I wander the mall, or Kmart, or Sam's Club...

Until next time...There are some things in this life that we may never know for sure.  Instead of continuing to dwell on it, we must accept it and move on. 

BABY NO MORE...EVER AGAIN

She's getting so big!

Well, in three days my last baby turns 2.  She won't be a baby anymore (although I will probably always think of her as a baby). I just want to know where the hell the time has gone. It was yesterday that I woke in the middle of the night feeling funny and took my blood pressure. It was high so I called my doctor and she had me go in the next morning to be tested.  Every sign of pre eclampsia was there and within two days I was holding my baby girl in my arms for the first time. It was yesterday wasn't it? I mean come on, it feels like yesterday.

But no, it was two years ago. We've been through birth, recovery, immunizations check ups, teething, rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, talking, and tantrums.  Enough time does not seem to have passed to have gone through all of that.

My little comedienne!

It really is true what they say. The older you get, the faster time goes. When I had the senior 17.5 years ago every day seemed to drag on and I feel like I got to enjoy every second.  The same with the Freshman. But Miss Crazy, Mr. Insane have grown up so fast that I almost feel like I have whiplash. I know I experienced all of the same milestones with them that I did with the older two, but they just didn't seem to take as long. And for this I have mourned and moved on.

I often wonder if the fact that Little Butt is definitely my last baby has something to do with how I feel about her turning two. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that my baby girl is growing up healthy and happy but Damn why did it have to happen so fast. I will never get to experience the milestones of the first two years again.

My last two babies <3

I may get to watch my grand kids take first steps and say first words (or I may not) but it just isn't the same as having my baby do it.  If given the chance would I have another child.  Well, you can just stop the train of thought right here and now because it ain't gonna happen. No way in H.E. double hockey sticks. But that doesn't mean that I am not sad about not being able to experience the baby years ever again. My emotions are so jumbled over this, and I think it is totally normal to feel this way.  I've spent a huge part of my life either becoming a mother or being a mother and the fact that Little Butt is turning two now really hits home that it is OVER. The baby years are over for me and although I don't want any more kids, it is still kinda sad. It is time to move on to the next step of life. I will enjoy the kids I have and then when the time comes I will enjoy the grand kids and then send them home to their parents ;)

Until next time...  Please allow yourself to grieve the little things that make you sad. It doesn't have to be a huge, drawn out process. Just a little sadness and maybe a few tears and then realize what you already have and move on to enjoy it.

HOME MEANS NEVADA

I know many people who move to a new place and it becomes home - there is no other place they would rather be. My mother and my in-laws are prime examples of this. My in-laws moved from the DC/Maryland area to Southern Nevada and we moved there from Florida/Oregon (although my parents had lived there before). I'm not entirely sure about the in-laws, but I am pretty sure you couldn't give my mom 10 million dollars to move away.

Southern Nevada

I have lived in Wyoming for almost 9 years now and I still get heart-achingly homesick for the beautiful, fresh Southern Nevada desert. I should be happy with where my family is and the place we will probably end up staying for a long long time (if not the rest of our lives) and on the surface I am. Deep down inside I would give almost anything to move back to the Las Vegas area. It isn't just because a huge part of my family is there and it isn't because as many people have told me 'the desert gets in your soul and you never want to leave it'. I really don't know what it is, but no matter where I go and no matter how much I love the places I go, Nevada is my HOME and always will be.

When someone asks me where home is I always have to stop myself from saying 'Nevada'. After all, home is now technically Casper, Wyoming. Doesn't the saying go "Home is where the heart is"? Well, my heart is split.  Part of it is in Southern Nevada and the other part is with my family in Wyoming. A lot of people tell me I should move back.  Oh my how I would love to, but I just can't.  The reason we left was because the heat and allergies bothered me to the point of sickness. I just can't do that to my family or myself.  They might not have me in many physical ways, but they do have me in many other ways that count heavily. If I were to add more sickness to everything they wouldn't have me at all and I wouldn't have myself either. I would be nothing.

Now this is not to say that I am unhappy, because I really am not.  I have a decent home  great husband,aand kids that I adore. I can't really ask for more.  There will just be a part of me that feels like I am not living at home. But if all else is good, I think I can live with that.

My hometown, Overton, NV

Is there any other place on earth that could make me that happy?  Maybe, you never know what could happen.  If any place could do it, I think Alaska could (it is my happy place after all), but if I never live there I will be just fine because I once knew a place that I called home. A place that I will always love with all my heart. My Home is Nevada, the place I live happily with my family is Wyoming (for the moment, you never know what the future brings.)

Until next time...love deeply and keep that love in your heart. If you do that, no matter what circumstances you face, you can always be happy with who YOU are. And of course, that is what counts the most.