DEPRESSION

I am in such a glorious funk right now.  I have no idea what is causing it. It could be because my pain is much worse than it has been in a long time, it could be because certain family members are being horrible to everyone around them, it could be because my medication sometimes gets stuck going down for some weird reason so I don't take it as often as I should.  I just really don't know. That depression/anxiety monster keeps rearing it's head and frankly I'm sick and tired of it.  I can't write much, I can't do all of the marketing for my books that I want to.  The only thing I can do is take care of my kids and work on my relationship with the hubs.

It makes me wonder if  I should consider giving up writing (permanently or temporarily). It makes me wonder if I should beg borrow and steal money to send the family to the nephews wedding this summer and go back and see my mommy (some friends are in the process of losing their mom right now and it makes me miss mine terribly)

I guess with stuff like this (busy, crazy, out of control life and career), you might never know what is bringing it all on because there is just so much stuff going on. I've been meaning to write about depression for a long time, but it is just so hard for me to organize my thoughts over it because it is so different for every person.  

Depression for me is something that runs in the background. It is like a nagging child/spouse/parent that won't leave you alone but doesn't cause a huge problem.  Anxiety and fear on the other hand are huge, life altering problems for me. And these three things tend to go hand in hand for a lot of people.  If I have trouble with fear and anxiety,  depression is also noticeable. 

But this time it is different. I don't really feel any anxiety or fear.  I am completely able to dive right into trying to get my name/books out there, as in I'm not scared to do it, but I am having a hard time actually getting down to the task. (and if it was a typical episode, I never would have published in the first place).

So how does fear and anxiety manifest itself in me?  I wont' answer the phone, I shake when I have to drive somewhere, I won't answer the door even if it is the postal service/ups, I will go out and about, but I am extra shy, even around people I already know. I would never publish a book or ask people to buy it (even online where there is always a certain anonymity) I would never comment on other people's blogs. I would lose sleep worrying over the kids, the finances, everyday life.  Thank goodness I haven't had this kind of anxiety/fear in many many years! 

Depression for me is just an overall feeling of melancholy  It is also not wanting to do what I enjoy - taking the kids places, going on dates with the hubs, writing, reading, computer time.  And I cry at the drop of a hat. Mainly I just want to be left alone.  I guess you could say that the depression I'm feeling right now is not as bad as what I mentioned above.  I just feel kind of blah, I don't want to do anything but relax and play. I don't want to work on my book and I don't want to do marketing for my already released books. 

Friends and family think most of it has to do with my pain and the fact that I seem to not have enough time in the day to do what i want and need to do. I guess, I kind of agree with that because my physical limitations are really getting to me.  I just want to be whole again (or even partially whole). I just want to not feel pain/weakness/stiffness when I want to take a quick trip to the store. I just want to be able to lift my baby and carry her into the store. I just want to feel healthy again. And I have so much to do.  I need to write, I need to market, I need to take care of the kids, I need to enjoy the new found closeness that the hubs and I have found. And when I feel overwhelmed, I get depressed.  

So, how am I going to cure this?  Well, as soon as my current prescription runs out I'm going to ask the doctor about maybe taking four ten mg. pills a day instead of the one forty mg pill that always gets stuck (Only pill ever in my life I've had trouble swallowing and have you seen some of those prenatal vitamins- they are huge) And then I need to come up with some way to get healthier.  I have started a 'diet' and I am searching in depth for answers about my hips (sorry, can't afford a doctor at this time). And I think I will try to make a schedule and actually stick to it.  I will have to split everything up but I think I can still do what I need to do.

Until Next Time... Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!!! GET HELP!

Depression and anxiety are not fun. If you think you might have it, please ask for help. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to.  There is help, and it is manageable. If you are already being treated and nothing is working, keep asking for more or new medicines.  The right dosage might take time.  And talking to someone is very very important. Sometimes just talking about things can help greatly.  And no matter what, if you are put on medication to help your depression do not go off of it without doctor supervision! If you have to, set a timer so you remember to take it, that's what I've done.  

Anybody who would like to tell there story or do a guest post about depression and or anxiety is welcome to do so.  Please just let me know.  Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help someone struggling to get the help they need.  brokenwifeandmom@gmail.com

REMEMBER AND SMILE

New Years will always be special to me even if I don't stay up past midnight or watch the ball drop in NY or see family to ring in the new year.  One of the most momentous occasions that a girl can experience happened to me just after midnight January 1, 1993.  (Now for those of you with dirty minds, get them out of the gutter - and pull mine out while you are at it please) The Shooter asked me to marry him that night/morning!

We'd only been dating for just over 2 months but here we are 20 years and five kids later and still going strong. (Married for 18 1/2 years as of Christmas day 2012).

Would I have gotten married that day? Oh heck yeah, and after all we were living in the Vegas area so that would just have been too easy! But The Shooter had promised his mother that he wouldn't get married until he finished college.  So  began our long engagement - it  was okay though because we were bad kids and moved in together ;).

In all actuality, the engagement went by quickly because we had to finish school and the semester before the wedding was spent with him student teaching and me trying to figure out what in the heck I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It was around this time that I made the definite decision to stay as far away from my degree field of Public Relations as possible.

Of course, when you need to slow things down to make sure you get everything done, especially something as large and momentous as a wedding, it never works out that way. I remember wondering how the heck I was going to get clear across town to pick up the invitations with our busy schedules.  I thought for sure I was going to have to buy blank cards and do the invites myself on our old Mac computer.  But you know, things always seem to have a way of working out.  The shooter and I were timing a track meet at the school he student taught at and there was a delay so we were able to run and grab the invites and be back in time to help with the big race. For some reason this is one of my most vivid memories of the engagement. Maybe because the invitations, all printed and pretty, are just so definitive of the celebration about to happen.

Another of the more vivid memories involves the dress.  You know over the years you look at bridal magazines (or online nowadays) and you find the perfect dress, you know THE DRESS.  Well, my mother in law and I went out in search of that dress, trying on many different varieties along the way.  I remember finally finding it in my size and trying it on...and crying when it just was not as pretty as the picture and did not look the least bit good on me or the girl in the next dressing room who was trying one on too.  IT WAS HIDEOUS!!! Thank goodness for my MIL's friend who was a seamstress, she offered to make a dress for me.  The best decision I ever made (aside from saying yes to The Shooter, hehe).

Now that I think about it, ordering the invitations was pretty exciting too.  We walked into the Tuxedo rental store (This was one thing I really couldn't care less about) and low and behold they had a deal that if we ordered enough tuxedo's we could get our invites for free.  Boy did we take them up on that deal quick.  A boring trip to look at suits turned into the fun of pouring over albums of available invitations. I was in heaven because as most of you know I love all things paper and pen, etc. Their selection was outstanding for being free and we found gorgeous invites and announcements.

Another thing I loved about the engagement/wedding planning was that a lot of it was just so easy which allowed us more time to just enjoy each other.  The venue, the minister, the photographer and the reception were all pretty much taken care of by MIL, her friends, and her boss at the church she worked at. It was smooth sailing!

So, did we have a good engagement? Yes I would say we did and it didn't really seem like it lasted that long.  I have many great memories, you know, all of the normal stuff like watching my dress take shape, picking out the food and almost passing out at the final dress fitting ;). We even managed to accomplish a lot in that year and a half.  I decided to try to start my own business, The Shooter graduated from college and we had succeeded in planning a wedding that would be absolutely wonderful. (Kudo's to my mother in law because she  helped plan and pay for everything) I guess you could say we had an engagement worth celebrating!

To celebrate the anniversary of our engagement every year at New Years, I don't have to do something special to commemorate it as long as I remember it and smile. Through 20 years of good, bad and ugly in a relationship and having a family, I have always remembered and smiled.  I guess that says something about my relationship. . . I am happy.  A mere six months later we were on to our next adventure - Step one was 9 months, step two is going on 18 years now. :)

Until next time. . . Happy New Year!!! And remember, not everything needs to be "celebrated". A simple smile is all that is needed to remember and commemorate days that are important to you.