LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

I talked to a few people online who have physical limitations about the struggles they go through in their love relationships and here is what we came up with to make a 'troubled' relationship stronger.

So, we all know the ups and downs of love relationships right? Trust, love, desire, honesty it is all about working hard to keep things going. When you factor a physical limitation into all of that, what do you get? Well, you get a lot more hard work!

The spouse who isn't physically limited is bound to, at some point, feel like they are carrying way to much of the burden. The physically limited spouse is bound to feel guilty for not being able to do an equal amount of the physical aspects of having a family and they might also feel unappreciated for doing the stuff that they are able to do. Caring for the emotional well being of a household can sometimes be just as tiring as doing all of the driving, or carrying of kids, or fixing of things around the house.

So what happens when you put a person who feels like they do everything together with a person who feels guilty, but overworked (and always in pain) at the same time? FIREWORKS!!! Things can get rough. But if your relationship is strong and you work hard, you can overcome a lot.  When you add in the whole intimacy issue, when one partner has limitations on what they can do physically, well you have to work even harder.

I think the key thing in a relationship like this is UNDERSTANDING.  They physically able partner must absolutely understand what their partner is going through.  If they ever doubt their partner's physical capabilities that is going to ruin things right there. Understand and accept that they can not help you drive across the state, pull up carpet, carry the baby to the car. And for goodness sake  do not compare the physically limited partner to others.  Just because friend A has bad knees/hips/feet/back/eyes too and can do some physical stuff doesn't mean your partner can.  They may have different problems or different symptoms.

As for the physically limited partner, they need to realize that their significant other might need a bit more emotional support when they take over the physical duties of the house. An extra (or 100) 'good job!' can go a long way.  An extra hour break from doing the physical stuff (play on game console, taking a walk, watching TV, reading....) can also do wonders.  Don't be so hard on them if they don't finish a task right away.

Most of all, if there is only one person in the house bringing in income because of the physical limitations, do not hold that against the non working person.  There are plenty of things they do in  life to earn their share of the money brought home.  Money is one of the top problem causers in a relationship as it is, so don't make it worse in an already challenged relationship.

What is a good way to keep things going good in a challenged relationship?  Time alone is great.  Take a weekly, or even monthly date ALONE together.  If you have no one to babysit kids (if you have any) then by all means just let the kids play (or sleep) while you sit/lay alone in your bedroom and talk.  Talking is great for a relationship.

As for my relationship, I wouldn't say it's been easy because it hasn't, but we've done something right because in June we will be celebrating nineteen years of marriage and in October we will have been together 21 years!

Until next time...no matter what the challenges of your relationship are, if you want it to work then make it work. Relationships aren't easy, they are all about hard work!

I LOVE HER...NO MATTER WHAT

Today was rough. You know, one of those days where you feel as if you are truly broken and will never be fixed again. It was one of those days where you actually want to go back in time and change everything. Or at least it makes you wish you had a pack of cigarettes and a couple of shots of whiskey. And I don't drink or smoke!!! But you know I was tempted to give it a shot (pun intended).

 It all started with a girl problem that I won't get into on here, but it basically makes me feel like death and it really makes functioning even harder than it normally is. Then add on top of that a little girl who wakes up and does NOT want to get dressed, so by the time I struggle her into the clothes we are already about 15 minutes later than usual. And then she refuses to step foot out the door unless I am carrying her - down the stairs covered in snow. For those of you who read my introductory blog post, you know I have physical problems that keep me from lifting my baby doll too often let alone carrying her through ice and snow. So we drop Miss Crazy off to school and get home.  My hips feel like they have been through the ringer and since I don't have cigarettes or whiskey in the house and it is only 8:30 am, I get on the computer and work on all of my social media stuff. I actually come thisclose to quitting Facebook entirely. (But I couldn't do that to my fans).

Fast Forward a bit to after lunch. I am so relieved that things have been going smoothly and I start to relax. Big Huge Humongous Gargantuan mistake on my part. Little Butt decides she wants to follow me to the bathroom. Not a problem, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a kid in there watching me pee :/ However, miss decides she gets to try first.  I put her on and she doesn't go. Yay, it is my turn and I have really got to go. She puts all of her weight on the toilet seat and won't let me lift it.  I have to physically pick her up and move her just so I can go to the bathroom. That starts the whole scream/tantrum cycle. Everything being done, I try to leave the bathroom. Yeah, not so easy when you have a screaming, tantruming almost 2 year old blocking the door and your hip is screaming in pain. So, I finally pull a Houdini and get out of the bathroom and I lie on my bed to stretch that hip.  She cries the whole time and when I get up to go back into the bathroom (part of the girl problem I mentioned earlier) she is right there at the toilet not letting me raise the seat, so we do everything I described above all over again.

By now it is time to pick The Shooter up from work and since Little Butt is a nudist that means getting a diaper, pants and shoes on her.  I am determined to make her walk out this time so I don't have to carry her.  I don't know if I even have the ability to carry her anymore at this point.  She will not let me dress her.  She runs from me, I can't chase her. I lure her over and she struggles so hard I hear my hip pop. Finally I just have to get going and I am hurting so much that I pick her and her pants and shoes up and carry her out to the car in just a diaper and long sleeved shirt. It is 22 degrees.  She was not even phased. I get her hooked into the car (barely as I almost pass out) and put a blanket over her little legs and turn the heater on high. I climb in the car praying that I can actually lift my right leg to drive.  Yay!!!! I'm not totally out yet you damn stupid hip. I CAN STILL DRIVE - barely.

So what is the point of this post you ask? Other than to entertain you, because come on it is funny seeing a 2 year old get the best of a 42 year old three times in one day right.  Hey I laughed so you can too.  No, my point to this post is about the amazing healing power of the heart. I told a 'friend' from a social network site about the happenings and she was so angry and told me that she would have been mad at the child for weeks and that she probably would have been cussing the child out to everyone who would listen for a long time (she doesn't cuss out the child though thank God) I just don't understand.

• Was I angry with her - yes. 
• Did I show that to her - no. 
• Was I frustrated? - yes with her and with me and my 'broken' parts. 
• Did I complain to my friends - yes of course, but I did it in a kind of way that was like 'OMG guess what kind of day I had!' not 'Stupid tantruming kid'
• Do I blame Little Butt for the renewed bad state of my hips? No absolutely not, I am a mom and it is my job to have to pick her up sometimes so if I get hurt again then so be it. 

So, you might ask what was going through my mind during this whole episode. Well truthfully I was thinking things like:

• Is the baby okay, why is she acting like this, is it because her sisters went back to school today, is it because she is still mad at me for weaning her, is she hurting from her 2 year molars?
• What am I going to do if my back totally goes out. I still have a husband and kids to pick up and what if the two little ones here at home need me, will I be able to be there for them?
• God, I love this crying, screaming little baby so much. Please help us through this rough day and let us come out on the other side, alive and well.

Now normally after crying and meltdowns like that she likes to snuggle, but that hasn't been the norm as of late (ever since weaning). All I wanted to do was hold her and love on her.  She wouldn't let me of course. When we went to pick up The Shooter, she fell asleep in the car and he carried her into the house for me and laid her next to me on our bed.  I took that opportunity to snuggle, love and kiss on her before falling asleep holding her hand.  My heart that was broken from having to listen to her scream and cry so much was instantly healed.


Until next time...In the times of anger and hardship while parenting, please remember the love. It WILL pull you through.

REMEMBER AND SMILE

New Years will always be special to me even if I don't stay up past midnight or watch the ball drop in NY or see family to ring in the new year.  One of the most momentous occasions that a girl can experience happened to me just after midnight January 1, 1993.  (Now for those of you with dirty minds, get them out of the gutter - and pull mine out while you are at it please) The Shooter asked me to marry him that night/morning!

We'd only been dating for just over 2 months but here we are 20 years and five kids later and still going strong. (Married for 18 1/2 years as of Christmas day 2012).

Would I have gotten married that day? Oh heck yeah, and after all we were living in the Vegas area so that would just have been too easy! But The Shooter had promised his mother that he wouldn't get married until he finished college.  So  began our long engagement - it  was okay though because we were bad kids and moved in together ;).

In all actuality, the engagement went by quickly because we had to finish school and the semester before the wedding was spent with him student teaching and me trying to figure out what in the heck I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It was around this time that I made the definite decision to stay as far away from my degree field of Public Relations as possible.

Of course, when you need to slow things down to make sure you get everything done, especially something as large and momentous as a wedding, it never works out that way. I remember wondering how the heck I was going to get clear across town to pick up the invitations with our busy schedules.  I thought for sure I was going to have to buy blank cards and do the invites myself on our old Mac computer.  But you know, things always seem to have a way of working out.  The shooter and I were timing a track meet at the school he student taught at and there was a delay so we were able to run and grab the invites and be back in time to help with the big race. For some reason this is one of my most vivid memories of the engagement. Maybe because the invitations, all printed and pretty, are just so definitive of the celebration about to happen.

Another of the more vivid memories involves the dress.  You know over the years you look at bridal magazines (or online nowadays) and you find the perfect dress, you know THE DRESS.  Well, my mother in law and I went out in search of that dress, trying on many different varieties along the way.  I remember finally finding it in my size and trying it on...and crying when it just was not as pretty as the picture and did not look the least bit good on me or the girl in the next dressing room who was trying one on too.  IT WAS HIDEOUS!!! Thank goodness for my MIL's friend who was a seamstress, she offered to make a dress for me.  The best decision I ever made (aside from saying yes to The Shooter, hehe).

Now that I think about it, ordering the invitations was pretty exciting too.  We walked into the Tuxedo rental store (This was one thing I really couldn't care less about) and low and behold they had a deal that if we ordered enough tuxedo's we could get our invites for free.  Boy did we take them up on that deal quick.  A boring trip to look at suits turned into the fun of pouring over albums of available invitations. I was in heaven because as most of you know I love all things paper and pen, etc. Their selection was outstanding for being free and we found gorgeous invites and announcements.

Another thing I loved about the engagement/wedding planning was that a lot of it was just so easy which allowed us more time to just enjoy each other.  The venue, the minister, the photographer and the reception were all pretty much taken care of by MIL, her friends, and her boss at the church she worked at. It was smooth sailing!

So, did we have a good engagement? Yes I would say we did and it didn't really seem like it lasted that long.  I have many great memories, you know, all of the normal stuff like watching my dress take shape, picking out the food and almost passing out at the final dress fitting ;). We even managed to accomplish a lot in that year and a half.  I decided to try to start my own business, The Shooter graduated from college and we had succeeded in planning a wedding that would be absolutely wonderful. (Kudo's to my mother in law because she  helped plan and pay for everything) I guess you could say we had an engagement worth celebrating!

To celebrate the anniversary of our engagement every year at New Years, I don't have to do something special to commemorate it as long as I remember it and smile. Through 20 years of good, bad and ugly in a relationship and having a family, I have always remembered and smiled.  I guess that says something about my relationship. . . I am happy.  A mere six months later we were on to our next adventure - Step one was 9 months, step two is going on 18 years now. :)

Until next time. . . Happy New Year!!! And remember, not everything needs to be "celebrated". A simple smile is all that is needed to remember and commemorate days that are important to you.