DEPRESSION

I am in such a glorious funk right now.  I have no idea what is causing it. It could be because my pain is much worse than it has been in a long time, it could be because certain family members are being horrible to everyone around them, it could be because my medication sometimes gets stuck going down for some weird reason so I don't take it as often as I should.  I just really don't know. That depression/anxiety monster keeps rearing it's head and frankly I'm sick and tired of it.  I can't write much, I can't do all of the marketing for my books that I want to.  The only thing I can do is take care of my kids and work on my relationship with the hubs.

It makes me wonder if  I should consider giving up writing (permanently or temporarily). It makes me wonder if I should beg borrow and steal money to send the family to the nephews wedding this summer and go back and see my mommy (some friends are in the process of losing their mom right now and it makes me miss mine terribly)

I guess with stuff like this (busy, crazy, out of control life and career), you might never know what is bringing it all on because there is just so much stuff going on. I've been meaning to write about depression for a long time, but it is just so hard for me to organize my thoughts over it because it is so different for every person.  

Depression for me is something that runs in the background. It is like a nagging child/spouse/parent that won't leave you alone but doesn't cause a huge problem.  Anxiety and fear on the other hand are huge, life altering problems for me. And these three things tend to go hand in hand for a lot of people.  If I have trouble with fear and anxiety,  depression is also noticeable. 

But this time it is different. I don't really feel any anxiety or fear.  I am completely able to dive right into trying to get my name/books out there, as in I'm not scared to do it, but I am having a hard time actually getting down to the task. (and if it was a typical episode, I never would have published in the first place).

So how does fear and anxiety manifest itself in me?  I wont' answer the phone, I shake when I have to drive somewhere, I won't answer the door even if it is the postal service/ups, I will go out and about, but I am extra shy, even around people I already know. I would never publish a book or ask people to buy it (even online where there is always a certain anonymity) I would never comment on other people's blogs. I would lose sleep worrying over the kids, the finances, everyday life.  Thank goodness I haven't had this kind of anxiety/fear in many many years! 

Depression for me is just an overall feeling of melancholy  It is also not wanting to do what I enjoy - taking the kids places, going on dates with the hubs, writing, reading, computer time.  And I cry at the drop of a hat. Mainly I just want to be left alone.  I guess you could say that the depression I'm feeling right now is not as bad as what I mentioned above.  I just feel kind of blah, I don't want to do anything but relax and play. I don't want to work on my book and I don't want to do marketing for my already released books. 

Friends and family think most of it has to do with my pain and the fact that I seem to not have enough time in the day to do what i want and need to do. I guess, I kind of agree with that because my physical limitations are really getting to me.  I just want to be whole again (or even partially whole). I just want to not feel pain/weakness/stiffness when I want to take a quick trip to the store. I just want to be able to lift my baby and carry her into the store. I just want to feel healthy again. And I have so much to do.  I need to write, I need to market, I need to take care of the kids, I need to enjoy the new found closeness that the hubs and I have found. And when I feel overwhelmed, I get depressed.  

So, how am I going to cure this?  Well, as soon as my current prescription runs out I'm going to ask the doctor about maybe taking four ten mg. pills a day instead of the one forty mg pill that always gets stuck (Only pill ever in my life I've had trouble swallowing and have you seen some of those prenatal vitamins- they are huge) And then I need to come up with some way to get healthier.  I have started a 'diet' and I am searching in depth for answers about my hips (sorry, can't afford a doctor at this time). And I think I will try to make a schedule and actually stick to it.  I will have to split everything up but I think I can still do what I need to do.

Until Next Time... Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!!! GET HELP!

Depression and anxiety are not fun. If you think you might have it, please ask for help. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to.  There is help, and it is manageable. If you are already being treated and nothing is working, keep asking for more or new medicines.  The right dosage might take time.  And talking to someone is very very important. Sometimes just talking about things can help greatly.  And no matter what, if you are put on medication to help your depression do not go off of it without doctor supervision! If you have to, set a timer so you remember to take it, that's what I've done.  

Anybody who would like to tell there story or do a guest post about depression and or anxiety is welcome to do so.  Please just let me know.  Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help someone struggling to get the help they need.  brokenwifeandmom@gmail.com

ME TIME!

I did something yesterday that I hadn't done in a long long time.  I took time to myself, went to my bedroom and put a movie in my computer.  A movie I wanted to see, not one the kids wanted to watch, not one the husband was watching when I went in to take a nap. A MOVIE I WANTED TO WATCH!!! And boy oh boy did it feel good to do something just for me.

Of course with five kids in the house it wasn't exactly smooth sailing...at first.  The little's (miss crazy and mr insane) wanted to follow me because the guy from dish and just been there and fixed the TV reception in my room after about 4 months. They only wanted to watch my TV and not the one out front. So at first they were loud and trying to look over my shoulder and trying to basically just bother me.  Well I finally got tired of it and told them that mommy deserved some 'me time' and they better knock it off or there would be hell to pay.  IT WORKED!!! For once in their lives, they listened to me!!!!!!!!!  So from about 15 minutes into Breaking Dawn pt. 2 until the end, all I did was just sit there watching a movie with no interference from the kids.  The only thing that kept me from completely relaxing was the fact that Little Butt was acting sick, but she was safely sleeping on her oldest sister so I felt I could take that minute for me.

This is something I haven't done in probably years.  I remember looking at the computer and seeing that the movie was half over and thinking 'Dang I haven't heard a peep from any kids in almost an hour, this is really nice!!!' and then I delved back into my movie. By the time it was over, I felt so relaxed and I guess you could call it a bit rejuvenated? I really should do this more often. You know, maybe once every two years instead of four?!?!?!  

The good thing is - the older the kids get the easier it will be to do things just for me. They will have their own interests and activities to keep them busy. You know, one thing I really want to do, is shut my bathroom door and take a bath BY MY DAMN SELF!  I hope someday that will happen once the three littlest can bathe themselves...but then again I still have the teens coming in to talk while i'm in there so maybe the bath idea will have to wait for a long time.  But movie/reading time...from now on that is MY TIME, and the kids will just have to learn to live with it! :)

Until next time...Take that time to enjoy yourself. Don't feel Guilty. Stick with it. Be firm about it. Just do it. I promise, you won't regret it! :)

Don't forget  to check out my new  'PAGE' above. It has all of the links to buy my books.  If you do read my books, please leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads!  Thanks so much  for your support!

NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT...EXCEPT...

I have no clue what to write about so I just opened up a post and started typing.  It isn't that I am not inspired today, because I have had a wonderful day and am inspired by a lot.  I have received the electronic proof of my book and am waiting for the hard copy to get here.  I have found things I didn't like and have made the changes that are needed. If I like the cover and other physical aspects of the book I will be publishing sometime in the next week.  How exciting is that! And quite inspiring.

I MIGHT GIVE A HINT (IN PICTURES) ABOUT MY UPCOMING ROMANCE NOVEL AT THE END OF THIS POST

My kids are being, well, my kids.  They aren't doing anything out of the ordinary - good or bad.  They are just being themselves.  You know, The Senior and Freshman are fighting all the damn time as usual and I'm about ready to kick them both to the curb (okay not really, but it makes me feel better when I actually use the words.) Miss Crazy is suffering from Middle child syndrome, which she has been for awhile and we are doing what we can to ease it. (see child attached to my side whenever possible)  Mr. Insane is being, um, insane?  He is loud (extraordinarily so) He loves all things weapons, fighting and superheroes and for once I wish I didn't have to listen to him do weapon sound effects! (I want to banish him to his room until he is ready for college, but that just wouldn't be nice.) And Miss Little Butt is driving me up a wall with her attitude (Jeez older girls, I wonder where she got that from! Knock it off or I'll kick you to the curb! Dang it felt even better to say that a second time) And do you know what the worst part of her attitude is now?  It is the speech.  That girl can talk back now!!! The moment all parents dread.  I am spending most of my time these days being disciplinarian. (Okay, most of my time is spent working on the novel, but the rest of it is spent disciplining my kids so maybe, someday, they will grow up to be civilized adults)

What inspired me to write the paragraph about my brats wonderful darling children?  Well you see, Spring break starts at 3:45 tomorrow and I am going to have to be with them all day every day for a week (I won't mention that my wonderful husband will be on vacation and home the whole time too -- oops, I just did!) All I can say is that the weather better be nice enough for them to go outside sometimes or I'm gonna flip my Shiz. Really, try being locked in the house with six other people for a week because you can't afford to go anywhere to get away. We have our spring break so early here that we usually still have snow on the ground and freezing temperatures.  Who the hell ever thought of that?  NCSD has their heads so far up their hineys...but that is another story for another day.

Believe me, In the end I won't complain too much (more) because I will have help at home and I won't have to get my aching hips in and out of the car to chauffeur them to or from school. But seriously, if they fight all. the. damn. time. I am going to lock them myself in a dungeon and they  I will not be seen until they are old enough to move out and get married (was thinking college, but then they tend to come back too often)

Wish me luck folks!  This next week will be a true test of my endurance (and sanity)

Until next time...During spring break, winter break, summer break etc.  Remember you love your kids and hopefully you will survive, and if you don't, at least you will get a nice, happy, quiet place to be :p

Aspects, themes and ideas about the novel! :)

PHYSICALLY BROKEN - WHY?

I know it probably sounds like I am in a pretty bad self pity mood a lot lately, but I'm really not.  I am the happiest I have been in many many years.  The kids are doing really good (although we had a slight stress induced altercation between two of them the other day), My relationship is better than it has been in a long time and some of the spark is reignited. And my writing is going great. So what the hell is wrong with me now?  I am in some serious pain lately.  I think my hips are slowly but surely being helped by the exercises I have been doing, but that means I am hurting more with ever newly stretched muscle and popped joint, or could it be something else, something more sinister.

Emotionally I feel the most unbroken I've been in years, but physically I feel unbearably broken.  I am 42 years old and I feel as if my body is falling apart.  I start to feel great and my hips are able to move and the pain is at a minimum one day and then the next day I feel like I'm going to die. So what seems to be causing this problem.  Of course I truly believe the exercises help bring on the good days, but what brings on the bad....Two words...WAL MART.

I swear to you, every time I go to Wal Mart, the following day, I am in so much pain. You see, once upon a time, not too long ago, I worked there as a cashier. When I started working, I was healthy and happy.  About two months in, I started to suffer from intense foot pain. When I went to the doctor to find out what was going on (and maybe fix it so I could keep working) I was told that 90 percent of the foot pain patients they see work at the mart. Wow, my co workers weren't lying when they told me the floors would be the death of many feet, hips, backs and knees.

Come to find out I had plantar fascitis and although I probably would have developed it eventually anyway, it was brought on quicker by the floors I was standing on. I ended up only working there for two and a half months (and a month and a half of leave of absence) before I gave up the glamorous life to be a SAHM again. Within a month I started having my hip problems continuously instead of once or twice a year...and the rest is history. I know that if I have to go shopping, the pain will be worse for awhile, it's just how it is. (and please don't suggest I go to a different store because it really isn't possible.) I hope the exercises I am doing will eventually make me not fear shopping. Stronger hips will make better feeling hips.  And as for the foot, well that's just going to have to wait until I can afford 400 dollar custom inserts. :/

Now here comes the fun part.  I know I was destined to be broken , but I like to mess with people, so when they ask me how I became physically limited, instead of telling them that it is a birth defect (hips/back) or severe allergies (dizziness, sinus, migraine) or my lot in life (plantar fascitis) I just say Wal Mart. You should see the looks I get, especially from The Shooter's Co-workers as he still works for the corporation. I had all of these problems before I started working there, but only occasionally. After a couple of months standing on those floors I became a complete and utter mess. Coincidence? We may never know. It will be one of the greatest mysteries known to man. Um... I mean, who knows right? But I often have to wonder why I don't hurt nearly as much if I wander the mall, or Kmart, or Sam's Club...

Until next time...There are some things in this life that we may never know for sure.  Instead of continuing to dwell on it, we must accept it and move on. 

TO BE A WOMAN

I am straying from the usual for today. (I know, I know, I promise we will be back to normal on Wednesday and I will most likely have a picture blog tomorrow) But there is something I want to talk to you about today. In Friday's blog I mentioned having a female problem that makes me feel like death. I have had some people ask me about it and when I tell them what it might be, they have never heard of it. Then I did some research and found out that not a lot of people have heard of it...period.  It is called Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. It is basically a series of symptoms that occur AFTER a woman has her tubes tied. They mimic the symptoms of pre menopause.

SYMPTOMS OF PTLS
1. Eptopic pregnancy or pregnancy (well known risk of tubals)

2. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes,
clammy feeling, chills

3. Bouts of rapid heart beat

4. Irritability

5. Mood swings, sudden tears

6. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)

7. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding;
phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles

8. Loss of libido 

9. Dry vagina 

10. Itchy vagina-at time raw like, can radiated from whole area, with
absence of yeast infections. 

11. Color change in vaginal area. (color gets darker -darker red to purple)

12. Crashing fatigue - Chronic Fatigue

13. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

14. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom 

15. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion

16. Disturbing memory lapses

17. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence


18. Prolapse of uterus do to rapid decrease in estrogen levels.

19. Itchy, crawly skin 

20. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons 

21. Increased tension in muscles

22. Breast tenderness

23. Decrease in breast mass

24. Headache change: increase or decrease

25. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

26. Sudden bouts of bloat

27. Depression 

28. Exacerbation of existing conditions

29. Allergies developing or increasing - (Chronic sinusitis).

30 Nasal infections-necessitating antibiotics

31. Weight gain 

32. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair

33. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance

34. Changes in body odor

35. Electric shock or stabbing sensation under the skin. 

36. Tingling in the extremities, 

37. Gum problems, increased bleeding

38. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in
breath odor 

39. Osteoporosis (after several years )

40. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

41. Stabbing pains in pelvic area at time of ovulation

42. Pelvic Pain

43. Development of Adenomyosis

44. Development of Ovarian/Tubal Cysts

45. Decreased Lactation Ability

Now you notice above that I said I might have it. I am 42 and I could truthfully be in pre menopause, but the doctors doubt it. And I didn't have any symptoms until after having my tubes tied.  There are even some who say this disorder doesn't exist because a majority of women who have it are of an age to be experiencing pre menopause.  But then I have to wonder about the 24 year old woman who had her tubes tied and is suffering with a majority of the symptoms I've listed.  I also ran across a blog the other day about a 29 year old with PTLS. There really are many women out there who are young and have the syndrome.

For me,  many of the symptoms I have developed are manageable.  I am already on medications to help with the mental hardships although when I'm ready to be done with being a woman, I can still get sad. Some things are extremely hard to live with however. It is awful enough to have the normal dripping, bleeding and cramping every month, Imagine having all of that doubled after a simple surgery to help keep you from getting pregnant. It is hard enough for me to stand up during 'that time of the month' as it is,  let alone take kids to and from school and  manage doctor appointments and grocery shopping and everything else that it takes to run this household. And with three child bearing age females in the house we spend a fortune on feminine products without adding my extra to it. And then there is the itching, it is enough to drive me batty and make me literally want to jump out the window. (Not that it would do me much good, we aren't that high off the ground.) The hot flashes really suck too ( I hate being hot, hence the reason we left Nevada) as does the pelvic pain. I already have enough pain in that area and I could really do without it!!! Many of the other 'smaller' symptoms are ones I have learned to live with and I can manage pretty well. Although truthfully my life would probably be ten times better if I got rid of the smaller ones too.

PTLS doesn't happen to every woman, one of my dearest friends had lighter shorter periods after her tubal. Lucky lady I say!  But the worst thing about this syndrome??? Many people don't believe it exists so you get a lot of the annoying 'it's all in your head' speeches from people. I can just hope that more research can be done so these women can have a definitive diagnosis and will stop being made to feel crazy.

Am I trying to keep people from getting Tubal Ligations?  No definitely not. As a form of birth control it is really nice. And not everyone will get PTLS from the surgery.  My main thing with this syndrome is that women need to start being told about the possible side effects of the procedure. Plain and simple, give us the chance to have an informed choice.  I was told about Tubal Ligation as a possibility during my last three pregnancies but I was never once told about what I might have to face after the surgeries.  ( By the time I got pregnant with Little Butt and planned the surgery, all I had heard through the grapevine was that my periods might get worse, but probably wouldn't.) Truthfully I'm not sure what I would have chosen if I had been told the truth, but I still feel kinda cheated that I wasn't given the choice.

So my main point here is to give a small voice to this little known disorder. I can't believe how many people have never heard of it.

There is a website that advocates passing legislation that makes doctors list PTLS as a possible side effect of the surgery.  If you want more information about the syndrome or to learn about the possible legislation visit www.tubal.org. 

Until next time...I'm trying out the other major blogging site and am doing a blog to help people keep up with the new developments in trying to make me less broken (hip stretches that might help cure my hip and foot) if you want to check it out here is the address http://alittlelessbroken.wordpress.com. Just remember it isn't like this blog, it will just be quick updates on my progress with the new exercises.  :)

Note: I got the symptoms list from various places online incuding tubal.org.