WHAT IF I FIX WHAT'S BROKEN?

So, what happens if I am not so broken anymore?  Does my writing career go downhill? Do I become less funny (looking?)? Do I lose my ability to write? Do I lose my ability to come up with blog ideas?  Do I lose my fans?

These are all things that have crossed my mind at some time or another because I always dream of finding out exactly what is wrong with my hips and getting it fixed.  Yes, I am broken in many other ways, but if I only had good hips I could function so so so so...much better!

I do research on hip disorders, bone diseases etc. all the time.  I have even done a bit about the pelvis because mine occasionally pops and after all I did have five children bearing down in it. And then, just by chance I came across some articles about asymmetrical pelvis problems and low and behold I think I finally got it!!!  My pelvis is so far out of whack it isn't even funny and it is causing many of my other problems.  Well Hell's Bell's why didn't I think of this sooner.

Now for the bad news.  It's going to take time and money to fix it.  I have lots of time, but absolutely no extra money yet. (Now if I sold 1,000,000 books... haha yeah.) Anyway, I decided to do some exercises that I saw on a website that is supposed to help.  Problem?  Yeah, I have to be able to get down on the floor to do them.  LMFAO yeah, right. Me? On the floor?  hahahahahahahahah.  Okay, once I stopped laughing I had to do something and then I remembered what an old doctor and an old chiropractor once told me.  They advised me to let gravity do the work.  So now I lay on the edge of the couch or bed on my side and let my top leg drop off and gravity slowly works things into the right place.  I have done it three or four times today and I do not feel anywhere near normal, but I really feel much better. (And since I am writing this the night before I publish it, we will have to see how the morning goes and see if I am sore as heck or not.) I am able to bend to my right while sitting, I was able to get up quickly with no pain twice today and I actually stood for five minutes straight without feeling sore, nerve pain, or tired.

So what is next.  More gravity work of course! And then once I am able to make it on the floor without the possibility of being stuck there forever, I will start the other exercises I found on that website.  I sure hope it works.  I want to be productive again, Yes, I will probably still have my foot problems so I won't be able to work a standing job and I will still have my migraines and sinus problems so there will be days when I am down for the count, but I will love being able to get three little ones in the car without aching for days afterwards or risking throwing my back out and not being able to get back inside. Heck I will be grateful to be able to get up and get my own drinks (My kids never put the right amount of ice in, you know?)

I do not know what the future will hold. I may someday become the formerly broken housewife and mom, or I may find that it will take more than just these stretches and exercises to get better, but one thing I do know is that I will still be me, deep down inside, no matter how broken I am or am not, I am still me - a mom, a housewife, a writer, a blogger.

Until Next Time...A lot of times I have thought that if circumstances change I will change, but that isn't always the case.  Outward things and ideas may change, but deep down inside you will always be you.

STRUGGLES WITH IMPERFECTION

So, over the last week I've been struggling with something that i just had to share as I think a lot of people struggle with it. IMPERFECTION.  I have learned to live with it in my house, with physical limitations and five kids there is no way I am ever going to keep my house perfect. I get it. I really do.  I've accepted it (for the most part). There will always be a dish not washed, clothes not washed/folded, toys not put away and dirt tracked through the house. (Unless of course I hire a maid to live in and follow the kids around with her cleaning supplies. Hmmm, wish I could afford that!)

My most recent struggle with imperfection came last week with my book Virgin Voyage. I finally got down to doing more than just skimming and reading my favorite parts. I was absolutely mortified to see that somehow my group of five people missed 15 mistakes in the Proof (me being one of them :/).  Things like know instead of known, child instead of children, improper indents that were made while formatting the book for publication, stray punctuation, improper punctuation.  Really really mortified!!!  (Not to mention the formatting issues of my Kindle copy that DID NOT show up on the preview I did before publication)

I had people tell me that I should just forget it and move on 15 mistakes in 312 pages wasn't bad. I had them tell me to just apologize and move on.  I tried, I really did. But I just couldn't ignore it or move on.  It haunted me, awake and asleep.  I had something that I loved so much, that was flawed, out and about and people were reading it.  After a few days, I just couldn't take it anymore I had to do something about it.  So I did.

I had been told that you couldn't re submit it once published but I did some research and found out that in fact you could. So this weekend I re uploaded my work for both the paperback and kindle versions. (I had a perfect copy already so I'm thinking that I uploaded the wrong copy or they used one of the previous copies I had uploaded when trying to make formatting perfect) I learned that if you upload a version and it needs corrections, to completely close out your browser and reopen it before uploading a new copy. So, anyway, I uploaded and republished my book without mistakes.  The preview of the Kindle showed it being perfect so if I notice on the actual Kindle that it isn't i'm going to be one upset mama. I ok'd the proof of the book this morning and am very happy with how it turned out.

I can not tell you how much better I feel now that I know that the product out there is as close to perfect as I could get it. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Much of the depression I had been feeling is gone. (read my blog from Friday about my Depression). It is amazing how something can bother you so much, but when you really sit down and think about it, the solution is easy.  Do whatever you have in your power to fix it. My book was off the market for awhile and that could have hurt sales (haha not really with me, because no one has reviewed my book yet so I don't have an abundance of sales although my free weekend was amazing!) and it was a lot of work to make sure everything was perfect.  But the peace of mind I now have is indescribable. I wouldn't change it for the world.  I don't feel like a pretender anymore, I feel like a real author!!!

Until Next Time...If you want something to be perfect, then do whatever you have to do to make it that way, whether it be the first time or the tenth.  If you are not satisfied, try try try again until it is. Don't settle for second best just because it is easier!

DEPRESSION

I am in such a glorious funk right now.  I have no idea what is causing it. It could be because my pain is much worse than it has been in a long time, it could be because certain family members are being horrible to everyone around them, it could be because my medication sometimes gets stuck going down for some weird reason so I don't take it as often as I should.  I just really don't know. That depression/anxiety monster keeps rearing it's head and frankly I'm sick and tired of it.  I can't write much, I can't do all of the marketing for my books that I want to.  The only thing I can do is take care of my kids and work on my relationship with the hubs.

It makes me wonder if  I should consider giving up writing (permanently or temporarily). It makes me wonder if I should beg borrow and steal money to send the family to the nephews wedding this summer and go back and see my mommy (some friends are in the process of losing their mom right now and it makes me miss mine terribly)

I guess with stuff like this (busy, crazy, out of control life and career), you might never know what is bringing it all on because there is just so much stuff going on. I've been meaning to write about depression for a long time, but it is just so hard for me to organize my thoughts over it because it is so different for every person.  

Depression for me is something that runs in the background. It is like a nagging child/spouse/parent that won't leave you alone but doesn't cause a huge problem.  Anxiety and fear on the other hand are huge, life altering problems for me. And these three things tend to go hand in hand for a lot of people.  If I have trouble with fear and anxiety,  depression is also noticeable. 

But this time it is different. I don't really feel any anxiety or fear.  I am completely able to dive right into trying to get my name/books out there, as in I'm not scared to do it, but I am having a hard time actually getting down to the task. (and if it was a typical episode, I never would have published in the first place).

So how does fear and anxiety manifest itself in me?  I wont' answer the phone, I shake when I have to drive somewhere, I won't answer the door even if it is the postal service/ups, I will go out and about, but I am extra shy, even around people I already know. I would never publish a book or ask people to buy it (even online where there is always a certain anonymity) I would never comment on other people's blogs. I would lose sleep worrying over the kids, the finances, everyday life.  Thank goodness I haven't had this kind of anxiety/fear in many many years! 

Depression for me is just an overall feeling of melancholy  It is also not wanting to do what I enjoy - taking the kids places, going on dates with the hubs, writing, reading, computer time.  And I cry at the drop of a hat. Mainly I just want to be left alone.  I guess you could say that the depression I'm feeling right now is not as bad as what I mentioned above.  I just feel kind of blah, I don't want to do anything but relax and play. I don't want to work on my book and I don't want to do marketing for my already released books. 

Friends and family think most of it has to do with my pain and the fact that I seem to not have enough time in the day to do what i want and need to do. I guess, I kind of agree with that because my physical limitations are really getting to me.  I just want to be whole again (or even partially whole). I just want to not feel pain/weakness/stiffness when I want to take a quick trip to the store. I just want to be able to lift my baby and carry her into the store. I just want to feel healthy again. And I have so much to do.  I need to write, I need to market, I need to take care of the kids, I need to enjoy the new found closeness that the hubs and I have found. And when I feel overwhelmed, I get depressed.  

So, how am I going to cure this?  Well, as soon as my current prescription runs out I'm going to ask the doctor about maybe taking four ten mg. pills a day instead of the one forty mg pill that always gets stuck (Only pill ever in my life I've had trouble swallowing and have you seen some of those prenatal vitamins- they are huge) And then I need to come up with some way to get healthier.  I have started a 'diet' and I am searching in depth for answers about my hips (sorry, can't afford a doctor at this time). And I think I will try to make a schedule and actually stick to it.  I will have to split everything up but I think I can still do what I need to do.

Until Next Time... Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!!! GET HELP!

Depression and anxiety are not fun. If you think you might have it, please ask for help. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to.  There is help, and it is manageable. If you are already being treated and nothing is working, keep asking for more or new medicines.  The right dosage might take time.  And talking to someone is very very important. Sometimes just talking about things can help greatly.  And no matter what, if you are put on medication to help your depression do not go off of it without doctor supervision! If you have to, set a timer so you remember to take it, that's what I've done.  

Anybody who would like to tell there story or do a guest post about depression and or anxiety is welcome to do so.  Please just let me know.  Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help someone struggling to get the help they need.  brokenwifeandmom@gmail.com