6 QUALITIES I WANT MY KIDS TO HAVE AS THEY GROW

Now that my first child is graduating from High School, I figure it is time that I write down life lessons that I hope they learn.

• 1st: Have a mind of your own, do what needs to be done and not what outsiders/trends/or takers push you to do 
• 2nd: Listen to authority, always. Whether it is teachers bosses or parents. Even if you feel grown  up or better than someone, always do what is expected of you.
• 3rd: Have the ability to admit when you are wrong. Being wrong doesn't mean you are stupid or unworthy. If you are wrong, admit and and move on. In the end you will be a better person and others will notice that.
• 4th: Don't lie because it is what you think others will want to hear, or just to get attention. Always tell the truth and anyone who truly loves you won't care that you are honest. Bottom line is, lies alienate the people who love you the most and you don't want to drive away your support system by lying to or about them.
• 5th: Don't be ashamed of the people you love. They do what they do and can't or won't change it. If you are proud of them, others will be too.
• 6th: Be as nice to family and friends as you are to strangers because in times of need, if you've treated them right, your family WILL pull you through, strangers won't because they don't know you.

These are all things I've seen teens and young adults struggling with and I hope that by putting them in a list, others can use them and maybe teach kids some good life lessons to make their lives easier. I know my kids can learn from some (or all) of these lessons. 

Until Next Time...I know growing up is hard, but it can be done with grace and kindness, we just need to give our children a push in the right direction.  I have yet to find out if my parenting will be a success or a failure, but within a few years, I will know and I just hope that everyone will be happy healthy and well rounded.

LIFE LESSONS - FOR MY CHILDREN, FOR EVERYONE

Lately, I have been in a lot of pain and pretty much feeling more useless than normal.  I feel like I have been holed up in a little cocoon more than usual lately. So when I am pretty much home bound, what do you think my favorite part of the day is? Any guesses?  My favorite parts of the day are after everyone is safely at school and it is just Mr. Crazy, Little Butt and myself.

 If Mr. Crazy hasn't had a run in with one of his bossy older sisters yet that morning he is an absolute angel and when he isn't playing games on the computer, playing fighting games in real life or playing with one of his multitude of toys, he will sit by me and snuggle with me.  Sometimes he even begs me to let him use my computer so he can sit by me while I write.  He is such a good kid....until others come home and then he can turn into the devil (we figure, he has a new audience to get attention from so he works it, just not in a positive way.  He knows that if he tries to cuddle them like he does me they will shoo him away but if he acts up they give him exactly what he wants - attention.) 

Little Butt is a complete snuggle bug. She likes to sit with me and play games on the Kindle Fire or listen to music on YouTube. And best of all she likes to rock - a - bye in the rocking chair.  That is her favorite thing to do ever. And she will only do it with me if her oldest sister isn't home. (Hey, it's not my fault she started calling Little Butt up on her lap to avoid doing chores and now she is stuck with a mini shaddow who has turned into a typical two year old screamer if she doesn't get what she wants - I know it's mean to say, but I told her so...You can't complain about something your brought on yourself)

So what is my least favorite part of the day?  When all of the kids are here and the fighting and complaining starts.  OMG it drives me nuts.  They fight over the stupidest stuff.  God forbid one of them has slightly more chores than the other that day or gets slightly more food on their plate at dinner.  And the littler ones like to fight about personal space issues.  So I have come up with a list of stuff that my kids need to learn so we can all live in peace together and enjoy each other more when live goes to shit. (And they are good lessons for the future too.  You can't live life complaining, whining, waiting on others or being in control at all times, or your life is going to be awful.)

1. Do not complain about stuff your bring on yourself.  If something you do has consequences  live with it and learn to deal with it. If you created a monster, you need to work on taming it, not making it worse because it annoys you.

2. Life is not fair, not always even.  If you did more chores for a few years, that does not mean that for the next ten the others have to do more than you! It all evens out in the end and all you have to do is what your parents tell you to do and we will all be fine. (Kind of insulting that they would think I would favor one over the other. :/)

3. Worry about yourself! Just because you are

working on a project/homework/chore does not mean the other person has to do it too, at the same time.  They will get theirs done or the will get into trouble. Worry about getting your own stuff done whether the other person is working or not.  

4. You don't have to be in control all of the time. You are children, enjoy it.  Do not always think you have to be in charge of everything because eventually someone is going to get sick of it and call you on it. People don't like to be dominated all the time. If you try to take over someones life, they are going to fight back eventually and the relationship is going to suffer greatly.

So what brought this line of thought on?  With all of the bad stuff going on lately - Boston, West, TX, N. Korea etc., I feel the need to find a way to make our lives better so we can enjoy the good times more and deal with the bad times easier when they come.  We never know when a day will be our last or when someone we love will see their last day, and regrets are really hard to live with.

Until Next Time... Hold your loved ones tight and don't make life so difficult. Enjoy your time together because you don't have forever. <3 Our hearts go out to those affected by the tragedies in Massachusetts and Texas.

STRUGGLES WITH IMPERFECTION

So, over the last week I've been struggling with something that i just had to share as I think a lot of people struggle with it. IMPERFECTION.  I have learned to live with it in my house, with physical limitations and five kids there is no way I am ever going to keep my house perfect. I get it. I really do.  I've accepted it (for the most part). There will always be a dish not washed, clothes not washed/folded, toys not put away and dirt tracked through the house. (Unless of course I hire a maid to live in and follow the kids around with her cleaning supplies. Hmmm, wish I could afford that!)

My most recent struggle with imperfection came last week with my book Virgin Voyage. I finally got down to doing more than just skimming and reading my favorite parts. I was absolutely mortified to see that somehow my group of five people missed 15 mistakes in the Proof (me being one of them :/).  Things like know instead of known, child instead of children, improper indents that were made while formatting the book for publication, stray punctuation, improper punctuation.  Really really mortified!!!  (Not to mention the formatting issues of my Kindle copy that DID NOT show up on the preview I did before publication)

I had people tell me that I should just forget it and move on 15 mistakes in 312 pages wasn't bad. I had them tell me to just apologize and move on.  I tried, I really did. But I just couldn't ignore it or move on.  It haunted me, awake and asleep.  I had something that I loved so much, that was flawed, out and about and people were reading it.  After a few days, I just couldn't take it anymore I had to do something about it.  So I did.

I had been told that you couldn't re submit it once published but I did some research and found out that in fact you could. So this weekend I re uploaded my work for both the paperback and kindle versions. (I had a perfect copy already so I'm thinking that I uploaded the wrong copy or they used one of the previous copies I had uploaded when trying to make formatting perfect) I learned that if you upload a version and it needs corrections, to completely close out your browser and reopen it before uploading a new copy. So, anyway, I uploaded and republished my book without mistakes.  The preview of the Kindle showed it being perfect so if I notice on the actual Kindle that it isn't i'm going to be one upset mama. I ok'd the proof of the book this morning and am very happy with how it turned out.

I can not tell you how much better I feel now that I know that the product out there is as close to perfect as I could get it. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Much of the depression I had been feeling is gone. (read my blog from Friday about my Depression). It is amazing how something can bother you so much, but when you really sit down and think about it, the solution is easy.  Do whatever you have in your power to fix it. My book was off the market for awhile and that could have hurt sales (haha not really with me, because no one has reviewed my book yet so I don't have an abundance of sales although my free weekend was amazing!) and it was a lot of work to make sure everything was perfect.  But the peace of mind I now have is indescribable. I wouldn't change it for the world.  I don't feel like a pretender anymore, I feel like a real author!!!

Until Next Time...If you want something to be perfect, then do whatever you have to do to make it that way, whether it be the first time or the tenth.  If you are not satisfied, try try try again until it is. Don't settle for second best just because it is easier!

COURAGE

Yesterday was a huge day for my family. Something we had all been working toward finally came to fruition. I became a published author. Everybody is so happy for me and I am grateful for the support.

So the day was all a giant celebration right? Nope. It was at first.  The family went out for lunch and they gave me peace and quiet while I finished up the marketing and kindle publishing. But then as usual  mama started to get a bit overwhelmed. Still excited - absolutely. Still grateful - absolutely. Absolutely one hundred percent overwhelmed - Oh hell yeah!

The Shooter and I decided to go out for dinner alone to celebrate and I perked up a bit, but as soon as we got home I started to slide again.  What the hell had I gotten myself into! People on my Facebook groups were talking about reading what I'd written. Crap what had just happened? Just a couple years ago it was almost impossible for me to let anyone read what I wrote. I had to literally force myself to let my own husband read it, and here I was putting it out there for everyone to read.

I started to second guess myself. What if it sucked.  What if the feedback I got from friends, family and strangers was all a lie.  What if I disappointed my friends when they read the book.  What if, what if, what if.  I had a lot of that going on last night! By the time I went to bed, I was about ready to crawl into a hole and hide forever so I wouldn't have to see the faces/hear the voices/see the posts of people who were reading my book.  I convinced myself that I didn't have any talent whatsoever and that I had just embarrassed myself on a global scale.

I read for a bit before bed - another self published author who I wont' mention by name, and checked Facebook on my phone one last time.  There I found out from a friend that my kindle version was finally available so of course I had to drag my big butt out of bed to get online to check. And there it was, in all it's glory, with a preview of the prologue, chapter 1 and part of 2. I read it and truthfully it was good. Much better than the book I'd just been reading (and it wasn't that bad really). I know I am nowhere near a great writer, I will probably never be the next Steven King, or Nora Roberts, , Edgar Alan Poe, or Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens). But you know, I could be worse and I think I wove a great story. And I know I will get better with time and with each book I write and each bit of studying I do.

So, what did it take for me to be a published author?  Courage. Plain and simple it took courage.  But how did I get that courage?  I am the biggest chicken s**t in the world when it comes to putting myself out there.  I hate criticism and I hate negativity. Well, truthfully I will never know what gave me the courage.  I had a lot of support and great people to work with, but I don't think that would have been enough to get me over my horrible fears.  All I know is that I am grateful for the courage I was able to come up with because this is absolutely the best feeling in the world right now.  I can't count on both hands how many books I've sold so far and the rush is incredible.  I know I will have more moments of self doubt (probably many more) but I am prepared to combat them.......with COURAGE.

Until next time...If you finally find the courage to do something you've always wanted to do but were too afraid to pursue it, then go with the flow!!!! Don't question it, just do it! Courage can pop up in times when you least expect it and for that I will be forever grateful.

I MISS YOU DADDY

Tomorrow is a very sad anniversary for me.  It will be 12 years since my father passed away. I can't believe he has been gone that long. My first two kids were just little and never really got the chance to get to know him as well as I'd hoped.  He never did get to know about the last three. I can only hope he can see what beautiful children they are.

My mom, dad and I

My father raised me. It was my choice and it wasn't because I didn't love my mother. She is the most awesome person on the planet.  I don't know why I chose my dad when the divorce happened. Maybe it was because I just knew that he needed me. Or maybe I wasn't completely comfortable with my mom's new husband. Or I guess it just could have been as simple as I was a daddy's girl from the beginning.  I often wonder if I will ever know.

Growing up, my biggest fear was losing my daddy.  He and I were really close. We were equally proud of each other I think. He was my favorite person on earth. He was so strong despite a sometimes debilitating back problem. He always just kept pushing on no matter how bad he hurt.

He wasn't able to work or he would lose his disable vet benefits, so to make extra money to make ends meet he would collect aluminum, copper and many other metals to recycle for money.  I tell you, that man put his all into it too! He would literally work from sun up til sundown some days.  He put me through college with money he got doing this. I remember one time I wasn't going to have enough money to pay a car payment and insurance one month so he took in a load of 'junk' as we called it, and sold it so I would have the money.  He'd been planning on buying something special for himself with that load.  My daddy would do anything for me and I would have done anything for him.

I will never forget January of 1999.  I got a call from my dad, the call that every child dreads.  He told me that there was something wrong with him and he had to go get some special tests to find out what was going on.  Within a month he had his diagnosis.  ALS - Lou Gherig's Disease.  I knew what it was, one of my favorite Soap Opera actors had it. I also knew it was fatal.  There was no getting around it, My precious daddy was dying. I wouldn't have him anymore.

I wish I'd been in a better financial situation at the time so I could have let him come stay with us, but I wasn't.  He needed constant care and with two small children and a very small condo that we were already outgrowing it would have been nearly impossible to have him come to us. We weren't even paying our own mortgage at that point so it would have been very rough on everybody, but especially on him.  He wouldn't have been happy living anywhere but in the town he loved.  In the end he was worried about the little ones seeing their grandpa deteriorate and die, so I doubt he would have come even if we could have asked.

My daddy as a baby

He found a caretaker in his town (that turned out to be a nightmare in and of itself.  I will someday find a way to talk about it without ruffling feathers and being threatened with a lawsuit). I felt helpless during this stage of his illness because I knew things weren't right but there wasn't much I could do about it. I visited when I could and took joy in the fact that when I would visit his outlook would be much better for a week or so and he would actually start to eat well again!

I remember getting a call telling me that my dad was at the Veteran's hospital in Las Vegas so I rushed over there (only about 20-30 miles from my home)  I was devastated with what I found.  He was barely coherent (morphine) and his speech was almost impossible to understand. I knew it would soon be the end.  He didn't want the lifesaving measures that some get--the feeding tubes, the breathing tubes etc.  He didn't want to live like that.

While I was there he kept saying Kitty and I couldn't understand why. He hadn't had a cat in probably ten years and his caretaker didn't have one so I was stumped.  Years later, I found out that my aunt Kitty had passed away back in the mid nineties and I have always wondered if he was seeing his sister calling him to come be with her.  A couple of days after the hospital visit I received the dreaded final call.  The social worker who'd been working with him called to tell me my Daddy was gone. It was February 21, 2001.

For years I had regrets and many what ifs about my dad but I think I have finally come to accept that things were the way they were for a reason. I truly believe that he is looking down on us and keeping watch.  If I ever miss him really bad, I just look at my son. He looks exactly like his Grandpa did when he was a kid.

Until next time...hold your loved ones tight and never forget to tell them you love them. You never know when giving them your all might not be possible so you have to settle for giving them comfort from the love in your heart.

DISTRACTIONS AND GUILT - GOOD OR BAD

What is your biggest distraction? Right now for me it is YouTube. I have to listen to music while I write and the easiest place to make a set playlist is on my YouTube. Pandora plays songs I don't like and that is completely unacceptable when I'm working. (I know, I know, picky picky me) Besides, it's really annoying when I have to let Pandora know whether I like a song to have them play it again - even when i'm not working. I have Spotify too,but it doesn't work well on my computer for some reason so I haven't had a chance to figure out how it works yet.

So you might be asking me why YouTube is so distracting for me. The answer: It's the official videos/live performances! All of the songs I have on my playlist are ones that I have loved for years and most of them have videos/musicians that I grew up with. I can not keep myself from watching some of these over and over again. So, while I'm watching the videos my work has to wait until I am done.

I know what you are going to say next. "Don't put the videos on your playlist, use fan made vids and lyric vids to play the songs." You know what?  I've tried doing that and for some strange reason, I just can't.  For some reason it is just not the same and I end up deleting the play list to start again - with official videos/live performances.

Now my problem is this - how do I get a decent amount of work done when I have these videos tempting me time and time again?  I really have no solution.  Is it safe to say that I enjoy these distractions and really don't want to do anything about them?  YES!!! OMG I love watching videos while I work, but then I feel guilty when I don't just sit down and bang out twenty pages in a row. (Okay, maybe not twenty, but a lot.)

For now I think I will teach myself to be happy with the joy the videos/live performances give me and the energy I get from them to eventually do my work. I find that I am a bit more creative after one of my many 'breaks' to watch the videos.  Maybe someday I will learn to balance things, but then again maybe I won't. I am kind of enjoying myself and I know I can be trained to not feel guilty anymore.  So for now....Please carry on, I guess the status quo isn't so bad. (I may change my mind when I get picked up by a traditional publisher and my deadlines are no longer my own though! ;))

Until next time...Guilt can be so very powerful. However, we all need distractions (to a point). In the end, I believe they make us perform better. If you want or need a break, take it when you get the chance! And by all means, don't feel too guilty about it. :)

FAILURE - IT REALLY IS OKAY!

Miss Crazy didn't want to do her nightly reading race assignment and boy did she throw a fit about it. You know one of those fits where you hope the neighbors suddenly put earplugs in right before the tantrum began. After the start she had in school, I often worry about whether she is being pushed too hard. When she entered Kindergarten she didn't recognize all of her ABC's and couldn't count above 15. By the third month of school she was in advanced math and reading.  Next week she starts 2nd grade math and is only 1/2 way through first grade. Sometimes I think the schools are pushing the kids too hard, I mean this is nothing like what I learned in Kindergarten, hell, it isn't even close to what The Senior and Freshman learned their first year in school.  But in this case I don't think she is being pushed too far (although it always enters my mind when stuff like this happens) This particular incident was a classic case of the computer being too inviting before homework was done.  We can deal with that!  And of course, knowing how my mind works, this started me thinking of the bigger picture (not to mention The Shooter and I having this conversation just the other day and him mentioning that I should write a blog about it)

Are we sometimes pushing our kids too far? Do we expect too much of them? And I'm not talking about what schools teach either.  I'm talking about the mentality that you MUST get straight A's, you MUST win every contest, you MUST be the best at your sport. If the child has never failed before, what will happen when they finally run into that big wall of failure that is bound to pop up in front of them someday. What happens when they get that one college professor who doesn't dole out A's easily or what happens when the new kid moves to town who has been playing the sport longer and does it better.

As a child, disappointing your parents can be a huge deal and as you get older, that moves on to bosses, significant others, peers and sometimes even strangers. Am I saying we should just let our kids fail left and right and not even get them to try?  No, definitely not! We need to let them know that we expect them to do their best and try their hardest but that it is okay to fail sometimes.  After all, failure is the stepping stone to success. We MUST know how to fail in order to truly succeed and be happy with that success. 

Not to mention how failure can affect people sometimes.  Someone I used to know was popular, athletic, got straight A's and then she went to college. While there, she suddenly couldn't make the team, get the popular guys and A's were harder to come by.  She married the first guy who came along, gave up on her educational/professional dreams and got involved with some less than stellar people...all because she had never failed before and thought that life was going to be a bunch of successes.  Luckily the same parents who pushed her too hard realized what they had done and helped her pull out of the bad places she went.  She now has a new husband, wonderful kids and a great career, although not the one she had dreamed of. She once told some former classmates that she wished she had failed just once as a child.

While doing research for a paper, the Senior read about a man who had so much pressure from his family to be the best academically that when he didn't receive one academic achievement at the end of his school career he killed seven people and himself. I couldn't imagine being that upset over something like that.  But as a child I was taught to do my best and if I failed, I picked myself back up and tried again.  I truly believe that taught me how to function in this life. I fail everyday (especially physically) but I keep getting up and trying again and guess what, I'm not afraid to fail and I am very happy when I succeed. I have a good life.

Until next time...If your child doesn't get an A in that one class, remember that it is okay. Teach your children that failure just happens sometimes and it will only serve to make them better people. The Shooter always likes to say that the only time in his life that failure wasn't an option was in the military when he was dealing with firearms and explosives. Yeah, I can see that. :)