UPS AND DOWNS - 19 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Well, nineteen years ago tomorrow I had one of the busiest, yet most wonderful days of my life. I walked down the aisle and said I Do to the man I love.  Nineteen years, do you believe it?  Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like twenty-nine years ago.

My memory is so bad that I often wonder if I will ever remember a lot of details from my wedding.  I remember spending the night before at my in-laws house (The Hubs and I lived together so we decided to spend the night before apart). If I remember correctly, The Hubs went to an informational meeting in north town for a police department hiring fair. I remember waking up and having breakfast. I remember at some point during the afternoon taking my bridesmaids to a salon I frequented and getting nails and hair done.

After that we headed to the church and started to get ready. I remember my stockings were the wrong kind and we had to scramble to find a different pair.  Taking pictures was next. With my mom, dad, bridesmaids etc. I remember heading up to the foyer of the church and my daddy was there.  I was worried that he was uncomfortable, he wasn't much for being out in public with strangers and he wasn't much for dressing up in monkey suits, but on that day he seemed fine.  He even seemed fine with my mom being there (they didn't talk since the divorce).

I remember walking down the aisle with my daddy at my side and seeing The Hubs waiting for me.  I was nervous about being up in front of tons of people, but not about getting married. My memory skips through most of the ceremony but I do remember a little kid saying something that made The Hubs and I laugh through some of our vows.  It really helped me break the ice with my nervousness.  All in all it was the perfect wedding ceremony for me.

I remember my new BIL driving us to our reception destination. It was in the gorgeous, huge backyard of a friend of MIL's, on a golf course. (It is this house I think of when I write about a big house on a golf course in my second novel Alaskan Ambush).  The food was flown in from the east coast by The Hubs' uncle and it was the most delicious barbecue ever.  My daddy was able to sit with friends from my hometown so I knew he was okay.

We threw the garter and I don't remember who caught it. My friend Tammy caught the Bouquet and at some point we changed clothes because my long train got in the way. I remember opening gifts and then heading to the hotel.

And guess what I remember most from the wedding night?  Yep, trying to get the pins and hairspray out of my  hair. I'm pretty sure The Hubs and I did more honeymoon activities the night after the wedding than the wedding night. But that was okay because we had lived together for a long time before the wedding.

A highlight of our honeymoon was going in to Vegas (we spent it locally to visit with family members we hadn't seen in years) and seeing the dinner show at the Excalibur.  The Hubs' whole family was there and it was a great show!!! I don't know if they still have it, but if they do and you are in Vegas, go see it!

We pretty much settled back into our normal lives after that and we haven't had a boring year since.  We've had a few moves (Oregon, Back to Nevada, Wyoming, Within Wyoming) and I feel like I am forgetting something.... hmmm Oh yeah, in those nineteen years we had five kids.  Five crazy, wonderful kids over nineteen years.  We've had rough times - a fire that destroyed our business and life as we knew it, a midlife crisis for me, financial problems, meddling relatives, job problems etc....but we somehow made it through and it seems that we get stronger every day.  Our marriage has recently rekindled some of the spark and I can't wait to see what happens when I lose weight and get healthy! ;)

Until Next Time....Good, bad, ugly -
work hard and you can get through it all. Relationships are far from easy, so if you aren't willing to work your ass off, don't bother getting involved in one.

WHAT'S HAPPENING? JUST STUFF!

My kids actually made liars out of me this morning.  In my last blog I said they wouldn't let me sleep in and that they would wake up between 7 and 8 every morning. Well, this morning they didn't wake up until 8:35 and that is only because the trash trucks came and woke them up.  Damn trash trucks!!!

Well, we had a lot happen over the last week some good, some bad. Of course you all know that the oldest graduated a week ago, on Thursday The Hubs had to go to the doctor - the man who never gets sick was sick as hell, on Friday the other kids had their last day of school for the year and on Saturday, I developed the coughing crud that everyone else has had over the last month and a half and something else exciting happened and I can't remember what...Crap, what was that?...hmmm, it's coming back to me...I completed something I think....oh yeah, I FINISHED MY SECOND BOOK!  Book 2 in my series is done (except for editing of course)  I read through it yesterday and loved it.  I have a couple of small additions to make and then it is sent off to editing. When that is done, well it will be on 'shelves' for you to'grab' and read.

This is book two and I still feel as accomplished as I did with book one. I wonder if it will always be this way. I sure hope so, I love this feeling! It is so addicting.  I just wish the hubs hadn't been so sick.  It is hard to be excited about something when the one you love is so sick they can't rejoice with you. Really guys, I have never seen his so sick - Severe sinus infection, cough, high fever, body aches, shakes and shivers, sleeping whenever the need hit him. That just isn't how it's supposed to be for my love. He is healthy and strong a majority of the time.  He was so bad they made him take three days off work.  He is back there now and I hope he is doing well, I think he should have had another two days or so to rest, but I'm not a doctor.  He is gradually getting better and was even joking with me yesterday.  I just hate seeing my romance hero ready to go to sleep at 7 p.m. (How are we supposed to act our my scenes if he's asleep?!) Umm I mean, how is he supposed to help me beta read my book if he's asleep...yeah, yeah, that's what I meant ;)

Until Next Time...When your loved one can't help you celebrate, it really sucks.  You have to learn to live with it and still be happy. It can be done, it's just not as fun!!! :)

PREVIEW OF ALASKAN AMBUSH

Check out 11 excerpts on http://www.writerjjellis.com

“…I still love you.”

A two year relationship that ended because of a difference in lifestyle left Olivia Mannon and Alex Paige missing each other. Though they still loved each other, they lost all contact.

A sprinkling of matchmaking dust, a cruise to Alaska, and a floatplane tour of Misty Fjord National Monument brings them back into each other’s lives; for better or for worse.

Can Olivia change her ‘suite at a five star resort’ lifestyle to agree with Alex’s ‘camping outdoors’ way of life, or will they lose each other again? This time forever…

ON SALE JUNE 2013

THEY LIVE ON, IN YOUR HEART

Tomorrow would have been my daddy's 74th birthday.  Some years, I don't think about it until it's over but this year I think it popped up in my mind because of The Senior's graduation.  My daddy actually got to meet her, I remember he held her when she was a baby - her head in his hand and her butt in the crook of his arm, as comfortable and safe as she could be, cradled in his large hands. I really wish he could be there to see it, or at least to receive pictures of it when it is over.  I wish he could know what is going on, but then again maybe he does know and my sadness comes from not being able to be the one to tell him.

I'm sure I will feel the same way when The Freshman graduates too. He was able to see her a few times before he passed. I remember once, after he was already sick and the strength in his arm was really bad.  He was afraid to hold her, but she was old enough to sit on his knee and balance herself. I remember her sitting there giggling as her grandfather's big shaky hand held onto her as best it could. This was a child who wasn't super smiley or giggly and she was very uncomfortable with people she didn't know well, but she was happy as could be sitting on her grandfather's knee.

And when my other kids graduate I'm sure I will think of him too because he never got to meet them and this is one life event where I will wish he could come back long enough to see their big day. Do you ever think about your lost loved ones on special days? I think for me it is the really special ones that bring up the memories.  Things like graduations, engagements and weddings.

I don't have a whole lot of beliefs about spirits and Heaven and Hell, but the one thing I do believe for sure is that my father knows his grandkids.  No matter how many times he saw them in real life, he knows them well.  He knows the struggles, triumphs and pretty much everything else in their lives. I don't know that he would be proud of them, I know that he IS proud of them.  The Senior had an award ceremony the other day the celebrated her being in the top 10 percent of graduating seniors in our district.  Her grandfather knew this and he was so proud of her.  I know that on Grad night, he will be there somewhere, the proudest grandfather ever as his Granddaughter graduates high school in the top ten of her district and as a member of the national honor society and the Japanese honor society, as he will be there and proud of all of his grandkids when they graduate.  And get engaged, and married and have kids of their own.

So on my daddy's birthday I try to feel happy and celebratory because it reminds me that he might be physically gone, but I truly believe he is still here with us, loving us and being a huge part of our lives. I save the sadness at his loss for the anniversary of the day we lost him physically.

Until Next Time...Only you can keep someone alive...in your heart. They might not be here physically, but they can still be a part of you, a part of your life if you open your heart and let them live in a tiny part
of it.  There's plenty of room, the heart is unlimited in every way. <3

SPRING BREAK...FUN AT HOME!!!

Well, spring break is over and I am still alive, as are all of the children and the husband too!  We actually had a nice break.  We have a new living room floor and will soon have a new kitchen one too.  We have new furniture that we got at a great deal.  A couch, love seat, and rocking chair for six hundred dollars.  I'll tell you right now, I don't know what I will do without tax refunds once the kids are gone and we don't get much.  This year we got enough to do our floors, replace our stained tattered furniture, pay off some debt and publish my books.

NEW LIVING ROOM FLOOR (AND LITTLE BUTT)

What was the funnest part of our little vacation?  Just doing nothing too important!  I didn't make the kids do too many chore projects (laundry is still behind but we'll catch up...eventually). About 3/4 of the way through we decided that maybe we shouldn't put off the flooring or furniture any longer so the last few days were really busy but the rest of the time included lots of x box time,  reading time, social networking time.  It was really fun!

The weather was great most days so the little ones got to go outside and play which was a life saver for us.  Cabin fever can kiss my a**! This is not to say that there still aren't some lingering effects. The kids fought like crazy.  The Senior and The Freshman, Miss Crazy and Mr. Insane, Mr Insane and Little Butt.  Those are the times when I am tempted to have that dungeon built under our home...but then they start getting along again and we start to have fun. There were lots of family dinners (lunches and breakfasts too)  And The Shooter took the time to have a father/child date with each of the kids.  Doesn't happen often with his work schedule, that's for sure!

I published my two books and have done a lot of social networking. I see words like twitter, linkedin, facebook, etc. floating before my eyes while I sleep now. :/  But the kids are back in school.  The Shooter is back at work and as soon as I am done typing up this blog I will be starting work on book 2 of the Sunset Destiny Romance series.  I am excited to get back to work, but I wish spring break was just another week long!

THE FRESHMAN AND MISS CRAZY ON THE NEW LOVE SEAT

I didn't get much chance to sleep in because I had so much networking to do and we had so much work the last couple of days (floor and furniture) but that's okay because when I got home from dropping Miss Crazy off at school this morning. I laid back down and fell back to sleep for a bit and then the shooter took me out for breakfast.  So all is now good with the world...except...I have to drive daily again...blech  and I have to do it in the snow today.  The forecast said high forties, partly cloudy and chance of rain showers in the afternoon.  By nine o'clock it was snowing like crazy.  We aren't supposed to get much, but it was totally not what we'd been expecting.  I had shorts picked out for Little Butt to wear around the house and I think The Senior was planning on wearing a dress. So, the winter coats came back out and we are eagerly looking forward to the sixty degree weather coming up later in the week.  After writing all of this, I think the key word for this last week was....RELAXING.  I finally had a chance to relax a bit.  Not totally because after all, I am a mom, but some.  That's fine by me!  I enjoyed it thoroughly!!!

Until next time...Sometimes breaks aren't for seeing how much fun you can get into a short period. Once in a while when you get that break, just enjoy it.  Just relax and be grateful that you aren't super busy for once. <3

I MISS YOU DADDY

Tomorrow is a very sad anniversary for me.  It will be 12 years since my father passed away. I can't believe he has been gone that long. My first two kids were just little and never really got the chance to get to know him as well as I'd hoped.  He never did get to know about the last three. I can only hope he can see what beautiful children they are.

My mom, dad and I

My father raised me. It was my choice and it wasn't because I didn't love my mother. She is the most awesome person on the planet.  I don't know why I chose my dad when the divorce happened. Maybe it was because I just knew that he needed me. Or maybe I wasn't completely comfortable with my mom's new husband. Or I guess it just could have been as simple as I was a daddy's girl from the beginning.  I often wonder if I will ever know.

Growing up, my biggest fear was losing my daddy.  He and I were really close. We were equally proud of each other I think. He was my favorite person on earth. He was so strong despite a sometimes debilitating back problem. He always just kept pushing on no matter how bad he hurt.

He wasn't able to work or he would lose his disable vet benefits, so to make extra money to make ends meet he would collect aluminum, copper and many other metals to recycle for money.  I tell you, that man put his all into it too! He would literally work from sun up til sundown some days.  He put me through college with money he got doing this. I remember one time I wasn't going to have enough money to pay a car payment and insurance one month so he took in a load of 'junk' as we called it, and sold it so I would have the money.  He'd been planning on buying something special for himself with that load.  My daddy would do anything for me and I would have done anything for him.

I will never forget January of 1999.  I got a call from my dad, the call that every child dreads.  He told me that there was something wrong with him and he had to go get some special tests to find out what was going on.  Within a month he had his diagnosis.  ALS - Lou Gherig's Disease.  I knew what it was, one of my favorite Soap Opera actors had it. I also knew it was fatal.  There was no getting around it, My precious daddy was dying. I wouldn't have him anymore.

I wish I'd been in a better financial situation at the time so I could have let him come stay with us, but I wasn't.  He needed constant care and with two small children and a very small condo that we were already outgrowing it would have been nearly impossible to have him come to us. We weren't even paying our own mortgage at that point so it would have been very rough on everybody, but especially on him.  He wouldn't have been happy living anywhere but in the town he loved.  In the end he was worried about the little ones seeing their grandpa deteriorate and die, so I doubt he would have come even if we could have asked.

My daddy as a baby

He found a caretaker in his town (that turned out to be a nightmare in and of itself.  I will someday find a way to talk about it without ruffling feathers and being threatened with a lawsuit). I felt helpless during this stage of his illness because I knew things weren't right but there wasn't much I could do about it. I visited when I could and took joy in the fact that when I would visit his outlook would be much better for a week or so and he would actually start to eat well again!

I remember getting a call telling me that my dad was at the Veteran's hospital in Las Vegas so I rushed over there (only about 20-30 miles from my home)  I was devastated with what I found.  He was barely coherent (morphine) and his speech was almost impossible to understand. I knew it would soon be the end.  He didn't want the lifesaving measures that some get--the feeding tubes, the breathing tubes etc.  He didn't want to live like that.

While I was there he kept saying Kitty and I couldn't understand why. He hadn't had a cat in probably ten years and his caretaker didn't have one so I was stumped.  Years later, I found out that my aunt Kitty had passed away back in the mid nineties and I have always wondered if he was seeing his sister calling him to come be with her.  A couple of days after the hospital visit I received the dreaded final call.  The social worker who'd been working with him called to tell me my Daddy was gone. It was February 21, 2001.

For years I had regrets and many what ifs about my dad but I think I have finally come to accept that things were the way they were for a reason. I truly believe that he is looking down on us and keeping watch.  If I ever miss him really bad, I just look at my son. He looks exactly like his Grandpa did when he was a kid.

Until next time...hold your loved ones tight and never forget to tell them you love them. You never know when giving them your all might not be possible so you have to settle for giving them comfort from the love in your heart.