I MISS YOU DADDY

Tomorrow is a very sad anniversary for me.  It will be 12 years since my father passed away. I can't believe he has been gone that long. My first two kids were just little and never really got the chance to get to know him as well as I'd hoped.  He never did get to know about the last three. I can only hope he can see what beautiful children they are.

My mom, dad and I

My father raised me. It was my choice and it wasn't because I didn't love my mother. She is the most awesome person on the planet.  I don't know why I chose my dad when the divorce happened. Maybe it was because I just knew that he needed me. Or maybe I wasn't completely comfortable with my mom's new husband. Or I guess it just could have been as simple as I was a daddy's girl from the beginning.  I often wonder if I will ever know.

Growing up, my biggest fear was losing my daddy.  He and I were really close. We were equally proud of each other I think. He was my favorite person on earth. He was so strong despite a sometimes debilitating back problem. He always just kept pushing on no matter how bad he hurt.

He wasn't able to work or he would lose his disable vet benefits, so to make extra money to make ends meet he would collect aluminum, copper and many other metals to recycle for money.  I tell you, that man put his all into it too! He would literally work from sun up til sundown some days.  He put me through college with money he got doing this. I remember one time I wasn't going to have enough money to pay a car payment and insurance one month so he took in a load of 'junk' as we called it, and sold it so I would have the money.  He'd been planning on buying something special for himself with that load.  My daddy would do anything for me and I would have done anything for him.

I will never forget January of 1999.  I got a call from my dad, the call that every child dreads.  He told me that there was something wrong with him and he had to go get some special tests to find out what was going on.  Within a month he had his diagnosis.  ALS - Lou Gherig's Disease.  I knew what it was, one of my favorite Soap Opera actors had it. I also knew it was fatal.  There was no getting around it, My precious daddy was dying. I wouldn't have him anymore.

I wish I'd been in a better financial situation at the time so I could have let him come stay with us, but I wasn't.  He needed constant care and with two small children and a very small condo that we were already outgrowing it would have been nearly impossible to have him come to us. We weren't even paying our own mortgage at that point so it would have been very rough on everybody, but especially on him.  He wouldn't have been happy living anywhere but in the town he loved.  In the end he was worried about the little ones seeing their grandpa deteriorate and die, so I doubt he would have come even if we could have asked.

My daddy as a baby

He found a caretaker in his town (that turned out to be a nightmare in and of itself.  I will someday find a way to talk about it without ruffling feathers and being threatened with a lawsuit). I felt helpless during this stage of his illness because I knew things weren't right but there wasn't much I could do about it. I visited when I could and took joy in the fact that when I would visit his outlook would be much better for a week or so and he would actually start to eat well again!

I remember getting a call telling me that my dad was at the Veteran's hospital in Las Vegas so I rushed over there (only about 20-30 miles from my home)  I was devastated with what I found.  He was barely coherent (morphine) and his speech was almost impossible to understand. I knew it would soon be the end.  He didn't want the lifesaving measures that some get--the feeding tubes, the breathing tubes etc.  He didn't want to live like that.

While I was there he kept saying Kitty and I couldn't understand why. He hadn't had a cat in probably ten years and his caretaker didn't have one so I was stumped.  Years later, I found out that my aunt Kitty had passed away back in the mid nineties and I have always wondered if he was seeing his sister calling him to come be with her.  A couple of days after the hospital visit I received the dreaded final call.  The social worker who'd been working with him called to tell me my Daddy was gone. It was February 21, 2001.

For years I had regrets and many what ifs about my dad but I think I have finally come to accept that things were the way they were for a reason. I truly believe that he is looking down on us and keeping watch.  If I ever miss him really bad, I just look at my son. He looks exactly like his Grandpa did when he was a kid.

Until next time...hold your loved ones tight and never forget to tell them you love them. You never know when giving them your all might not be possible so you have to settle for giving them comfort from the love in your heart.