NEW MOMMY BLOGGER BOOK!!!

I have a new book about my blog coming out this weekend.  It will be available from create space, amazon and kindle!  I am giving you all a sneak peek at my cover right here and now.

ALL GROWN UP

My oldest baby girl is pretty much all grown up.  In 2 3/4 months she will be graduating from High School.  Can you believe it?  Oh wait, you don't really know her. But I sure know I can't believe it!  It seems just like yesterday I was walking into the hospital hoping this was finally it and finding out I was just dilated enough for them to want me to stay.  Twelve hours later, the day before The Shooter's birthday my very first child was born.  We had no idea if the baby would be a boy or a girl because during ultrasounds her cord was always snugly planted between her legs.  When she came out...the doctor had to move the cord out of the way to tell us that she was indeed a girl. Truthfully we were expecting a boy because girls are very uncommon on the husband's side of the family and since sperm decide the sex of the baby....yeah.

Now she is 17 and a senior in high school and about ready to walk across that stage.  Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. I sure hope I'm ready for it! Granted she will be going to college locally so it's not like she's moving thousands of miles yet, but I still feel kind of...happy....sad....excited...crazy....OLD!

What brought all of this on almost three months before the event?  Well, we are re doing our flooring so when people come from out of town to visit during graduation they won't see how much my children have spilled on and dragged dirt through my living room and ruined my carpet.  I know, I know, not something sentimental and gushy to bring these thoughts to mind, but come on, this is me we are talking about.  A sneeze can make me think of the weirdest things.  Maybe that is why I have so many story ideas?

Not that I don't get mushy about my kids' milestones because I do.  Just wait until May, I will be a blubbering mess with a camera in my hands. I won't have any idea what pictures I take will look like until after the night is over and I upload them because I will have tears in my eyes the whole time.

I must say, I am a lucky mom.  The Senior is a wonderful child.  She gets great grades, is very kind and giving and will some day be a great mom. That is if she can find a decent guy. She has had the worst possible luck with guys of any teen I know of.  Jerks, dummies, a**h***s, she's had them all.  She's even been through a broken engagement. So now, onto the future! She has a current boyfriend and things seem to be going great for once - he is a nice kid, intelligent and seems to have his head on straight (as straight as a teenaged boy gets) so we all just hope it keeps going that way.

So what is next for my first baby?  College!!!  She is going to have so much fun! I hope she is able to meet a lot of great, kind, influential people to help her get a great start on her adult life.  We can't ask for anything more.  It is hard to believe that my role in her life is almost done.  Soon I will just be a support system and not a supporter of life.

Until next time...Hold your kids tight and remember, they grow up very fast so don't let time get away from you.    ENJOY YOUR KIDS TO THE FULLEST!!!

BABY NO MORE...EVER AGAIN

She's getting so big!

Well, in three days my last baby turns 2.  She won't be a baby anymore (although I will probably always think of her as a baby). I just want to know where the hell the time has gone. It was yesterday that I woke in the middle of the night feeling funny and took my blood pressure. It was high so I called my doctor and she had me go in the next morning to be tested.  Every sign of pre eclampsia was there and within two days I was holding my baby girl in my arms for the first time. It was yesterday wasn't it? I mean come on, it feels like yesterday.

But no, it was two years ago. We've been through birth, recovery, immunizations check ups, teething, rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, talking, and tantrums.  Enough time does not seem to have passed to have gone through all of that.

My little comedienne!

It really is true what they say. The older you get, the faster time goes. When I had the senior 17.5 years ago every day seemed to drag on and I feel like I got to enjoy every second.  The same with the Freshman. But Miss Crazy, Mr. Insane have grown up so fast that I almost feel like I have whiplash. I know I experienced all of the same milestones with them that I did with the older two, but they just didn't seem to take as long. And for this I have mourned and moved on.

I often wonder if the fact that Little Butt is definitely my last baby has something to do with how I feel about her turning two. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that my baby girl is growing up healthy and happy but Damn why did it have to happen so fast. I will never get to experience the milestones of the first two years again.

My last two babies <3

I may get to watch my grand kids take first steps and say first words (or I may not) but it just isn't the same as having my baby do it.  If given the chance would I have another child.  Well, you can just stop the train of thought right here and now because it ain't gonna happen. No way in H.E. double hockey sticks. But that doesn't mean that I am not sad about not being able to experience the baby years ever again. My emotions are so jumbled over this, and I think it is totally normal to feel this way.  I've spent a huge part of my life either becoming a mother or being a mother and the fact that Little Butt is turning two now really hits home that it is OVER. The baby years are over for me and although I don't want any more kids, it is still kinda sad. It is time to move on to the next step of life. I will enjoy the kids I have and then when the time comes I will enjoy the grand kids and then send them home to their parents ;)

Until next time...  Please allow yourself to grieve the little things that make you sad. It doesn't have to be a huge, drawn out process. Just a little sadness and maybe a few tears and then realize what you already have and move on to enjoy it.

MY NEW BABY

I am in the process of giving birth again. Only this time the 'creature' I give birth to will not be a child so to speak. It will be one of the great loves of my life, but it will not be a breathing, squealing, eating, sleeping, pooping child.  This particular birth is from my mind.  My first Novel - Virgin Voyage.

Last night when I was laying there thinking of how the heck I was going to function on such little sleep I realized that the novel I am writing is very similar to a child. It causes worry, frustration, sleepless nights, and complete and utter joy. All of the things my children have inflicted upon me time and time again through the years. By the time my writing career is over I wonder how many 'children' I will have.  Many I hope because I wouldn't trade these things for the world.

You see, I started writing this novel in 2005. I fell totally, madly, deeply in love with all of the characters, especially the two main characters. I ate, drank, and slept this story. It was so hard for me because I always doubt my abilities to tell a good story but I loved everything about it so much that I couldn't imagine not finishing it.  Well, I eventually did finish it and sent a proposal to a publisher.  The minute I sent the query letter in the mail I knew I had made a mistake.  These characters and story would not fit in with this company. I didn't really want them to either. I would have to change too much and sacrifice too much.  Well when the rejection letter came saying the story didn't fit their requirements I was of course a bit hurt, but also very relieved.  I vowed to find a better way to showcase this special work.  But not quite yet.  I had worked on it so much that I could barely look at it after I finished it. It caused me way too much anxiety. I was afraid on one hand to spoil it and on the other hand to have it rejected. So here we are almost 8 years later and thanks to this blog I finally have the courage to tackle it again.


Here is where the worry comes in : The first thing I did was cut some crap from it.  Boy my writing skills have come a long way since then! Stuff I thought was an integral part of the story turned out to be excess fluff that just had to go. It took me a month of fretting and worrying daily to finally decide that I had the courage to do it. And once I did, the product I had left started to make me very excited. I started to fall completely in love with the characters and story all over again.

Now comes the frustration: Trying to get this new Chapter 1 perfect is driving me nuts! Once again I am second guessing my writing skills and some of my story devices to the point that if I don't just stop and be happy with what my three proof readers says is great, I will literally go flippin insane. (See mom sitting on the couch staring blankly at everyone for the rest of her life) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH. And you know what? Each subsequent chapter is going to be the same damn torture.

That brings us to the sleepless nights. Until this novel is complete and I upload it to Create Space, I will probably not sleep well (and as those who regularly read my blog know, that isn't good since I haven't slept well much of the last two years and 8 months). I lay awake thinking about these characters and the story and what I could do to make it better. I toss and turn wondering if what I am doing is right and if I am good enough (Yep, I"m full of self doubt yo!). And then I lay there wondering about the characters and story all over again.  At least I love these things that keep me awake at night right?  (Kids included ;))

Well now we will end with complete and utter joy: How could I not be totally thrilled with these characters that I love so much. How could I not be thrilled with sharing them with people who want to see me succeed (and total strangers - now that is scary!) Everything about this book whether it is a success or a giant failure is going to bring joy and peace to my life because it is my first, and will probably be my best loved NOVEL!!!

Until next time...If you have a passion for something, just do it and have fun and fall in love with it. The happiness it brings is indescribable and the ride to get there is crazy enjoyable.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

Have you ever felt that someone saved your life, that without them your life may have had the worst possible outcome?  I’ve had that experience but it wasn’t a human that saved my life, it was a Rottweiler/Lab mix with baggy skin, kind eyes and a tongue that licked anything and everything, including the air. Her name was Kharizma but we called her Rizzy and originally she was The Shooter’s dog. Her sister Karma was my dog. But then one day I became pregnant with Miss Crazy. And Slowly over the next 40 weeks things changed.

The first twelve weeks of my pregnancy were rough, I felt completely awful. I even had to take seven weeks of leave from work. Every time I stood up I would feel sick so I just didn’t stand up much. Being a relatively unbroken mom and wife at the time, it was very stressful on me to not be able to do anything. Rizzy started spending less and less time playing with her sister outside and more and more time laying with me and keeping my stress level low. When I went back to work, things were great and I was stress free again, but it didn’t last long. My blood pressure was rising and I was afraid to over do it so I quit working and Rizzy was there by my side again. It wasn’t healthy for her, she started to gain a lot of weight because she got up briefly to eat and potty and then it was back to me again.

Week by week my blood pressure was high (although not dangerously so…yet) and I truly believe that the only reason it didn’t keep going higher was because Rizzy was there for me to pet, hug, kiss on and even talk to when I would get scared or stressed by my health issues. She would even bother me relentlessly when I would do too much so I would know to go sit down.  She knew how weak I actually was during this whole ordeal. Toward the end of my pregnancy my blood pressure began to creep up into the danger zone and they still had no idea why. Weekly tests showed that it wasn’t pre eclampsia and I was more scared than I had ever been in my life, for me and for my baby. When I was laying down with Rizzy’s head near my tummy I actually felt like everything would be okay. Our typical interaction would be me petting her head and her looking up with her big brown eyes locked on my face and licking wherever she could reach. And when I said “I love you Rizzy Mama” she would lay her head back near my tummy until I would roll over and she would lay there and let me pet my stress away. And if I would even move a quarter of an inch in my sleep she was there making sure everything was okay. Finally the day came when my blood pressure couldn’t be kept down any longer and it was time to have my little baby girl 3 1/2 weeks early. Rizzy had seen us through! I truly believe that if it hadn't been for this fat little (big) rott mix I and my sweet little baby would never have made it. To this day I think I would have had a stroke and the baby would have died along with me. The deal was sealed after this, and Rizzy was now my dog.  We were BFF’s.

Rizzy adored Miss Crazy when we brought her home from the hospital. We had the new baby and a new kitten and Rizzy actually started to lactate and treated both baby and kitten  like a mommy would. It warmed my heart beyond words. Even after the danger was over she was taking care of my sweet baby girl.

Life went on and Rizzy stayed by my side. I had another pregnancy (healthy this time) and we were doing our daily routines with an undiagnosed autistic child, a preteen and two little ones!  Life was good with my little (big) family and my BFF Rizzy. Then one day the Shooter came home with news that he was up for a promotion that financially we could never pass up. It was late May and we would be in a new city by August. There was so much to do and The Shooter would be at training for the better part of two months! From almost day one of the promotion adventure, we had planned to rent a place that would allow us to have our pets, but everywhere in town was way out of our price range. We knew it was time to start looking for new homes for our beloved pets. And we looked hard. We put ads in the papers, tried to find rescue groups, talked to vets and passed the word around town. At one point we thought we might be able to bring Rizzy and Karma with us after all because our plan was to buy a mobile home and rent a lone lot. But we ended up having to go into a mobile park where the dogs wouldn’t’ be allowed because they were half Rottweiler.  There was no other place that we could afford to live and still have the money left over that we would need for getting our daughter diagnosed with Autism. My heart was broken, I would have to get rid of my special fur baby and as time drew close the only place that could take them was the City animal shelter.  The day The Shooter and The Senior took them to that horrible pound, I cried so much I didn’t know if I could ever stop. I cried every day for three months over my Rizzy. I knew her chance of survival and adoption were slim. The guilt I felt then is still with me today and will probably be with me forever. Rizzy was my lifesaver and I turned out to be her death sentence. I always feel like I should have tried harder to find her a place to go. I don’t know for sure that she wasn’t adopted, but I know very well that she is most likely gone now because of me. I still cry sometimes but I can rejoice in knowing that thanks to this beautiful wonderful soul named Rizzy, I and Miss Crazy are alive and well. I often ask Rizzy to please forgive me.  And you know, I think she does but it doesn't make the pain any better.


NOTE: I found out that Rizzy and her sister did go to a great new home and lived there happily. 
Karma is still alive and Karizma passed away at the age of 11 after along happy life with kids to play 
with and love her. I still feel guilty and will always love and miss her but at least I know she had a 
good life.

Until next time…Love and cherish  your fur babies <3