READER QUESTION ANSWERED!

So, I have had quite a few questions about what I go through with my pain and stiffness etc.  I don't want any sympathy with this post.  I manage just fine. But I feel like so many of you are curious to what it feels like to be me so this is my response to all of you. And I know one person needs to know so they can understand their own pain and limitations and if I can help even one person, then I will be a happy woman!

First, the pain really isn't the main focus of what I feel day to day.  Yes, I do have chronic pain and yes sometimes I just want it to END!!! But the main thing that keeps me from functioning is the stiffness (although I'm not sure that is even the right word for it). And of course there is the lack of mobility that goes along with it. In simple terms, walking from the house to the car feels like running a mile with a three hundred pound pack. (And the hubs just thought I breathed heavy over him - well some of it is over him, but quite a bit of it is from my limitations) ;)

I guess I can start when I get out of bed in the morning and go from there. I can't just sit up in bed like most people. I have to lift my whole upper body without being able to bend it, until I get into a sitting position. It literally feels like I have five or six twenty pound weights attached to my shoulder/upper back area, sewn on with  a needle and thread that is also sewn through my lower back. So, once I lift what feels like that extra hundred pounds it feels like the thread rips all the way down my back and into my hips where the pain settles. (Pretty much any time I go from laying to sitting or sitting to standing)

Then once I go to stand up it feels like I have these hundred pounds worth of weight at my hips and I have another hundred or so pounds of weights attached to my chest, pulling one way while the ones at my hips pull the other. It makes it very hard to stand at all. So, once I am finally able to get the balance to move I add an extra hundred pounds of weights to my feet (and the pain is pretty constant still). See, not exactly stiffness but more like a heaviness.

So, basically, I walk around all day feeling like I have weights on my chest, lower back, and feet. It doesn't necessarily hurt to bend over to pick something up, but it is hard getting down with the weights on my hips and even harder getting up with the weights on my chest so I just don't bend very often. Now try walking around the store, or lifting pots and pans, or loads of laundry, or bending to get into the dryer or moving around in small spaces with all of that. It truly is nearly impossible. I have literally gotten stuck in my laundry room before between a laundry basket full of books and our freezer because I didn't have the freedom of movement I needed to turn just the right way to get out of there. (Thank goodness my then four year old son was strong enough to move the basket out of the way and give me room!)

Do I feel pain - yes! When I stand too long, sit wrong or when I do a complicated movement I feel the pain a lot (other times it is mostly just an ache), but it is trying to move that causes me the most trouble. It takes all of my energy just to lift my legs sometimes, or to bend over to change a diaper or pick up something off the floor.  The bad part is that I'm like this no matter what my weight is.  The pain gets better when I start losing weight, but the lack of mobility is still pretty bad. It doesn't mean I can't move fast if I have to - if my kids are in danger, I can move pretty quick, but I pay for it big time later.  I used to think it was my joints but it's not, it is just a very hard feeling to explain. When my dad's back used to go out this is how his legs would feel, I believe.

 So I know that it has to be because my pelvis is no longer supporting my body like it should. Now just to fix that while being on a budget. Hmmm.

Until Next Time...I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween.  I will be out with my kids (if they earn it back) no matter how uncomfortable it is because that is just something I have to do. I will pay for it on the first of November, but I will get plenty of snuggles, rest and love because most of my family understands why I  can't do stuff (Not all unfortunately, but that is their problem, not mine). Happy and safe dressing up to all! <3

INSANE DAY?

I think today could possibly be a crazy, crazy day!  I have all three of the littles home. This could very well be a make or break day for the whole 'will they get Halloween back' thing. Being smooshed into this house together all day, has in the past, been a recipe for disaster.  It is now after 12:00 and so far so good...Keep your fingers crossed.

The district gives kids the day off when the high schools have parent teacher conferences (except for The Sophomore's school this year). So while I have the older two still going to school/work, the younger two get to stay home with Little butt. So far we have watched some Disney XD, played on the computer, played soldiers (or some other 'crazy run around and shoot things game'). We have jumped on mattresses on the floor, sung and danced to songs on Youtube, and of course we had lunch (Little Butt stole half of mine :/).  And by we, I most mean they because with the pain I'm in today (an unfortunate tickling accident - don't ask) I am more the cuddle bug than the hands on play mate.

As for the bad, well it really hasn't been that bad.  Mr. Insane let loose a curse that he learned from the horrible neighbor kids, but immediately realized his mistake and apologized. I'm good with that.  I like it when my kids finally start to realize that they've mad a mistake and admit to it. This makes me very proud. We have had a few arguments, a few tears and what I thought may have been a hit or two. A quick reminder about future birthdays and holidays put a quick end to all of that though.

 So, by noon, the day has so far been a success.  What is still to come, I don't know.  Normally I would dread this kind of day (although I would be thrilled not to have to do any driving home from school!!!). But I'm thinking that this day might just be an okay kind of day - at least until the older kids get home and the littles have a new audience to act out for...but then again there is always the no Halloween thing. Hmmmm. Here is hoping that the remainder of this day is peaceful for all concerned.

Until Next Time...On those insane days I always say...Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. You might just be surprised at what happens. <3

THE MEAN MOM

We cancelled Halloween (and most likely Thanksgiving & Christmas) in our house last night. I was at my wit's end and I wasn't sure what else to do. Mr. Insane and Miss Crazy were both being little buttheads. We tried everything - grounding, timeouts, taking away favorite things and nothing was working. It was like someone had slipped my kids some 'bad' juice.  They haven't played with the neighbor brats in days, but then again they did see one of them outside yesterday so maybe the brattiness rubbed off from across the street???  Whatever the case was, we had to go to drastic measures.

Of course it isn't going to work right away because they think "oh, if I be good for an hour, mom will give it back." Haha not this time!!! I am FED UP.  They will not be getting Halloween back unless they can prove to me they deserve it back, and a final decision will not be made until dinner time on October 31st.  This is my favorite time of year and my three favorite holidays and I somehow don't think they will be much fun this year. :( Although, I will still decorate and stuff, that will make it worse when no Santa presents show up, I think.  Yes, I am a mean mom, but I demand respect and at least somewhat decent behavior from my kids (I know all kids misbehave, but there has to be a limit)

But I am prepared to stick by my decision because I really have had it with the back talking and such. Their neighborhood friends get away with it so they think they can.  Ummmm no. If I would have talked to my parents like that I would have gotten my ass whipped and I never would have done it again. So, here is hoping that this experiment in parenting works.  - You keep misbehaving, you don't get to go trick or treating and gorge yourself on candy. Keep it up even longer and we will have hot dogs and mac and cheese for Thanksgiving dinner. Keep it up after that and there will be no "Santa Visit", no watching Christmas cartoons every night and we will have potato stroganoff for Christmas dinner. (The two kids in question here hate that dish!!!)

Until Next Time...Stick to your guns! If you give in, the lesson will never be learned. I will miss these holidays if we have to give them up, but hopefully my kids will learn a lesson and become better people for it.

AN ANNIVERSARY - OF SORTS

Okay so since I forgot that Thursday was a 'special' day until after my blog was published I guess I'll have to write about it today. 21 years ago last Thursday (October 17) was the day that not only The Hubs and I had our first official date, but also  the day we got together for good.

If I remember correctly my friends were being sneaky little buggers.  We were going to go to the football game and they wanted to invite the hubs. I wanted them to, but I didn't tell them that.  I made it seem like I didn't want to be around him. Truthfully I never thought he would come because he wasn't really into the school sports scene.  The friends even told him that it was a BIG group thing.  Yeah, they lied it was one of our friend couples and us.  But in the end it all worked out because not only was that our first date, it was the beginning of something much bigger.

The thing I remember most about the date...definitely not the game! I truthfully remember absolutely nothing about the game (I think we won). I remember a lot about the hubs though because we really got to know each other well that night. It was like a scene out of a romance novel - We only had eyes for each other :). That was also the night we had our first kiss and our second and our third...Okay nevermind about that.

And guess how much sleep I got that night?  Yep, none. Get your damn dirty minds out of the gutter, it's not for the reason you think. I was just so excited to have a boyfriend that I couldn't sleep. Sheesh, I'm not that kind of girl... ;). Anywhoo, after he left for the night I tried to sleep, I really did. But it just wouldn't come.  This was going to be my first truly serious boyfriend and I was excited darn it!

And we have been together ever since.  I wonder if we had known some of the stuff we were going to face in the future, if we would have stayed together?  I mean come on, five kids is a lot of work...and noise...and sorrow...and joy...and pain...and love. A destroyed business isn't fun and it was a huge test of our relationship.  An early midlife crisis for me wasn't a piece of cake either. Many moves, leaving family, interfering family, death, birth, depression, autism, health issues...but then again, that is what marriage is all about right - to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live.

Until Next Time...Every once in a while, just sit there and remember that first date or that first kiss or the day you met. Memories are so sweet we can't afford NOT to visit the good ones sometimes

TIME MANAGEMENT - MANAGING WORK AND FAMILY

The countdown has begun. The kids have been shushed and put on notice.  Mom is almost done with her next novel and she has a deadline so nobody better get in her way...except a tummy bug that has now hit everyone. The little boy who only wants me to help him with his homework. The baby girl who won't always go to others to get someone to type Barney or Talking Cat Sylvester into the Kindle. Miss Crazy who needs hugs throughout the day/evening (She's the middle child and suffers from middle child syndrome so how can I say no!). The husband who gets frisky once all the kids are finally in bed and really deserves some attention - after all he has to sit through listening to my love scenes (and others) over and over and over...

This is what I have been
working so hard on!
See note at bottom of page

So, the family has been put on notice to leave mom alone while she finishes writing, typing and pre editing. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. That is why I have given myself a three day window for publication. I have to have the book up and running by November first-third, period end of story.  I think I will be becoming an expert in multi-tasking.

Is it possible to write while being sick?  Yep! I did it the other day. You should have seen me, I would write a paragraph (for those who don't know, I hand write and can do that laying down) doze for about ten minutes, head to the bathroom, write a paragraph, doze for ten minutes, head to the bathroom etc. TASK COMPLETE! I actually got a lot of writing done!

Is it possible to write while helping the boy do his homework?  Yep!  I have successfully written a paragraph here or there while singing the ABC's. I have successfully run spell check while pointing to each repeated letter on his mixed up letter sheet. I somehow was able to type up a whole scene while listening to him read and correcting his mistakes when he made them.  Of course it helps that at five, his books are easy and I have them memorized after the first time he reads them. And I can always manage a ton of hugs and high fives EVERY TIME he gets something right!

Is it possible to write while typing on the kindle?  Well no, not technically. But it only takes a minute or two and I think I can spare that to hear my baby doll singing along with Barney (blech, I hate that dinosaur but love her singing) or laughing her Little Butt off at the antics of Sylvester the talking cat.  It keeps me going, makes me happy and lets her have a little bit of fun so I can get some work done in between typing words into the kindle!

Is it possible to write while hugging Miss Crazy?  Well no, not really. But dang her hugs are so sweet and it gives me a nice little break to remind me that I do have great kids who love me.

Is it possible to write while giving attention to The Hubs. No, not at all, but then again...I guess it could be classified as research. You know, my characters are ONLY famous for hugging and snuggling a lot :p

Until Next Time...It's hard but not impossible to show your kids love and do what needs to be done in your life at the same time.  You can do it!  If I, with the messed up mommy brain, can do it, so can you!

NOTE: Sorry the pic isn't great but for some reason when I upload it to blogger it washes it out. It looks better on my facebook page - stop on over and checkit out http://www.facebook.com/writerjjellis

SICK DAY AND OTHER STUFF!!!

They share everything
Including tummy bugs :(

Guess how many people left my house today?  Two.  The Hubs and Miss Crazy. Miss Crazy was sick Saturday and yep, the boy was throwing up all day yesterday, the baby all evening and although they feel better and aren't technically sick anymore, they are worn out.  Myself, Gwen and the Sophomore have tummy aches but haven't gotten 'sick' yet. Gwen has an earache and The Sophomore has a sore throat.  Allergies and the stomach flu have taken over our house.  What is with all of the tummy bugs this year.  This is my third in about three months!  It's crazy.  Of course my stomach is pretty ruined form the supplements I was taking and it could be another six months before I am back to normal but still, enough is enough!  I hate it when my tummy is sick!

And I hate watching my poor kiddos are retching. :(. I stayed home with Mr. Insane because he wanted his mommy (aww <3) while the rest of the family went out to eat.  Well before their dinner could even get there, Little Butt got sick so they packed up the food and came home. What a fun Sunday evening it was...haha (You know I'm just kidding right?) Although, the snuggles were so sweet!

At least the Hubs, Gwen and The Sophomore got some great volunteering in  yesterday before the puke hit the fan. (um sorry about that, have been wanting to say that for years). They all headed out to Sam's Club to get support for Operation Shoebox - care packages for the troops. It was a great experience for the younger ones.  Gwen was able to see the joy of helping people while getting credit for a class assignment in volunteerism and The Sophomore was able to get out and get some socialization (9 times out of ten when I mention a family activity, she isn't there because it is hard for her, like going out to dinner above, she was with me and Mr. Insane) This was good for her though. She lasted longer than everyone thought AND she had a good time!

Oh hey, do you want an update about Mr. Insane and his fall festival happenings?  He did so much better this year.  He still had trouble with the face painting and ended up not doing it. He got a hand tattoo instead. But he did a lot of other activities and even won some vampire teeth and made some sketch it things. The festivities weren't as good this year, but they were still fun.  The little's had a blast which is the best thing. And I got to eat nachos which I don't get to eat at home often because I'm pretty much the only one who likes nacho cheese. All in all, I think my little boy will be just fine. He truly is coming out of his shell!

Until Next Time...When your kiddos are sick snuggle them close. Yeah, you will probably get sick, but the snuggles and loves are so worth it!

COMING OUT OF HIS SHELL

Shy smile :)

My son is a shy one. He always has been. At first he was painfully shy and then he started coming around a bit. And by a bit, I mean just a tiny tiny bit. Last year his sister's school had a fall festival (Miss Crazy) and literally all he did was eat and walk through one of the rooms (with me) that had interesting things to see/touch/smell etc.  You could see he wanted to go to the bouncy house, but there were just too many other kids there.  His sister got her face painted but he refused. We spent a lot of time in the hallway just sitting there waiting for everyone else to have fun. I didn't mind really because I have dealt with shyness my whole life whether it is with one of my kids or myself.

I am wondering if this year will be different and if it will be majorly different or just a little bit.  This year, the boy is part of the school. This is his turf and he loves going there everyday. He has become a bit more brave, he will actually play with other kids and go into the tubes a bit at McDonalds on the very rare occasion we go. So this year we could have a very fun, very busy fall festival.  I hope we do.

I love seeing him come out of his shell bit by bit. He used to walk out of the school looking like he was all alone in this world and scared to death.  The last couple of times I've picked him up he has come out like he owns the place.  Yesterday he got one of his weather related bloody noses, which usually means a freak out and I often wondered how he would handle it at school.  Well he basically calmly walked to the office and let the kind ladies take care of him (The nurse was gone). I'm so proud of him. But then again I'm proud of him even if he doesn't participate in things with other kids and even if he freaks out sometimes. But oh the feeling of watching him do things he was afraid to do before is just amazing. It's really like a high that can't be beat.

Storm damage -
like this all over town :(

I know he says he is excited about the fall festival and the bouncy house (if they have one this year). It's all stuff I've heard before.  But this year there is a good chance it could be true. I guess we'll find out this afternoon, after school when all of us pack up in the car (except the Sophomore - those situations are just a bit too much for her sometimes) and head out to the school for Dinner, games, and a pumpkin patch.  It's really starting to feel like fall around here. The leaves are changing and it is beautiful out (But MANY of the trees in town were damaged by the recent snow storm so there is a sadness over the area). Here is hoping that this will be the first of great fall activities for my little man. Whom I hope someday grows into a
confident, handsome big man...but I hope he keeps just a smidge of that shyness, an inkling of that innocence.

Until Next Time...Watching our kids grow and change is amazing and we need to remember to step back and enjoy it.  Don't just let it pass by or we might miss something important.

SNUGGLES, LOVES AND BOOBIES

I was able to do something last night that I haven't done in a long, long time. I was able to snuggle my baby girl. We used to co-sleep but then my poor hips just couldn't take it anymore so I moved her in with two of her siblings. Last night my baby doll woke up crying and wanted me so Gwen brought her in. Her poor nose was all stuffy and I think her throat was dry to the point of being a bit sore. (It's allergy season in our house!) As soon as she came into my arms and I laid her next to me she snuggled right up and it felt so good. My baby doll hasn't been too lovey with me since I weaned her. (Yeah, if you remember those blogs, she wasn't too happy about it.) She hasn't done this snuggle thing to me in so so long. I was overjoyed and I wrapped my arms around her. We dozed together for hours. She kept waking up crying, saying ouch ouch but then my rubs would calm her down and she would doze again.  Then at one point I woke up startled and when I opened my eyes she was staring at me smiling.  She moved her head over and put it on my chest. "I miss mommy's boobies," she said and fell quickly asleep. She slept peacefully for hours after that. (I can hardly walk now, but it was worth it I think. :) )

So, the point of this story...Yeah, I was all thinking my baby doll was starting to love me again but it turns out that she never loved me, she only loved my boobies. ;)  hehe. Actually because she loves my nourishing body parts, I know for sure that I am loved by her. It might only be for that small window of time, before kids start to 'hate' their parents, but I'll take it.

I can't believe how much I adore this little girl. The pregnancy was rough...no, beyond rough. It nearly destroyed me. I didn't want another baby and I didn't think I could handle another baby and I was sick from day one to the final day.  I was terrified of another c-section and had plans to trick our local hospital into letting me have another VBAC which was against their policy.  And then I got even sicker...pre eclampsia and those plans went down the tube so I was faced with a surgery that terrified me and that I didn't want.  But as soon as the anesthesiologist adjusted my pillow beneath my neck properly and I felt like I could breathe again, I just suddenly knew. I knew everything would be okay. I would love this baby, I would be able to handle this baby and this baby would always be welcome in our lives.

I'm glad she is so attached to her siblings. After all, they will hopefully be around a lot longer than I will. But I am also glad that she knows who her mama is but realizes that I'm not the only one in the world who loves her.  This baby will always be so incredibly loved because she has a group of people surrounding her that are family, that will make sure she is on the right track.  Do you think my baby doll is lucky?  I sure do! The joys of being the baby of the family...<3

Until Next Time...Love is shown in many ways. You just have to be receptive to what isn't always obvious to be able to see it. (Yep. I know my baby loves me when she talks about my boobies. :/)

BEAUTIFUL DAY OUT? WHAT'S YOUR OPINION?

It is such a beautiful fall day here in Casper, WY. This weather we've had lately is typical of fall, hot, cold, in between. The leaves are starting to change too which I think is one of the most beautiful things in the world. We woke up to a beautiful landscape this morning. Would you like to see it?  I hope so because I'm going to  show you anyway! LOL

Got tired shoveling the front porch

My daughter's car!

Miss Crazy and Mr. Insane in their new winter jackets

Cars, homes and trees covered

Can't see into the side yard because of our barrier of snow!

Poor tree losing branches all night and snow falling off to shake the house!

The makeshift walkway to the street

The plows actually came through early

I wish I had someone to shovel my walk like my neighbor does!

I'm cold are you?

Kids playing with the neighbor!

My poor car!  She is buried!

My neighbor's back steps!

I don't think we will be grilling tonight! ;)

Well, we got a snow day today as you can probably tell.  The school district that hates calling snow days didn't have a choice because the whole town is under a code red - no unnecessary travel.  But the Hubs still had to go to work because you know, shopping at a bulk store is a necessity when the roads are nearly impassible. haha! So I am settled in to a nice day with ALL of the kids. Hey, it's Friday and now we have a three day weekend!  Let's have some fun...or do chores...or both!