It makes me wonder if I should consider giving up writing (permanently or temporarily). It makes me wonder if I should beg borrow and steal money to send the family to the nephews wedding this summer and go back and see my mommy (some friends are in the process of losing their mom right now and it makes me miss mine terribly)
I guess with stuff like this (busy, crazy, out of control life and career), you might never know what is bringing it all on because there is just so much stuff going on. I've been meaning to write about depression for a long time, but it is just so hard for me to organize my thoughts over it because it is so different for every person.
But this time it is different. I don't really feel any anxiety or fear. I am completely able to dive right into trying to get my name/books out there, as in I'm not scared to do it, but I am having a hard time actually getting down to the task. (and if it was a typical episode, I never would have published in the first place).
So how does fear and anxiety manifest itself in me? I wont' answer the phone, I shake when I have to drive somewhere, I won't answer the door even if it is the postal service/ups, I will go out and about, but I am extra shy, even around people I already know. I would never publish a book or ask people to buy it (even online where there is always a certain anonymity) I would never comment on other people's blogs. I would lose sleep worrying over the kids, the finances, everyday life. Thank goodness I haven't had this kind of anxiety/fear in many many years!
Depression for me is just an overall feeling of melancholy It is also not wanting to do what I enjoy - taking the kids places, going on dates with the hubs, writing, reading, computer time. And I cry at the drop of a hat. Mainly I just want to be left alone. I guess you could say that the depression I'm feeling right now is not as bad as what I mentioned above. I just feel kind of blah, I don't want to do anything but relax and play. I don't want to work on my book and I don't want to do marketing for my already released books.
Friends and family think most of it has to do with my pain and the fact that I seem to not have enough time in the day to do what i want and need to do. I guess, I kind of agree with that because my physical limitations are really getting to me. I just want to be whole again (or even partially whole). I just want to not feel pain/weakness/stiffness when I want to take a quick trip to the store. I just want to be able to lift my baby and carry her into the store. I just want to feel healthy again. And I have so much to do. I need to write, I need to market, I need to take care of the kids, I need to enjoy the new found closeness that the hubs and I have found. And when I feel overwhelmed, I get depressed.
So, how am I going to cure this? Well, as soon as my current prescription runs out I'm going to ask the doctor about maybe taking four ten mg. pills a day instead of the one forty mg pill that always gets stuck (Only pill ever in my life I've had trouble swallowing and have you seen some of those prenatal vitamins- they are huge) And then I need to come up with some way to get healthier. I have started a 'diet' and I am searching in depth for answers about my hips (sorry, can't afford a doctor at this time). And I think I will try to make a schedule and actually stick to it. I will have to split everything up but I think I can still do what I need to do.
Until Next Time... Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!!! GET HELP!
Depression and anxiety are not fun. If you think you might have it, please ask for help. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to. There is help, and it is manageable. If you are already being treated and nothing is working, keep asking for more or new medicines. The right dosage might take time. And talking to someone is very very important. Sometimes just talking about things can help greatly. And no matter what, if you are put on medication to help your depression do not go off of it without doctor supervision! If you have to, set a timer so you remember to take it, that's what I've done.
Anybody who would like to tell there story or do a guest post about depression and or anxiety is welcome to do so. Please just let me know. Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help someone struggling to get the help they need. firstname.lastname@example.org