DEPRESSION

I am in such a glorious funk right now.  I have no idea what is causing it. It could be because my pain is much worse than it has been in a long time, it could be because certain family members are being horrible to everyone around them, it could be because my medication sometimes gets stuck going down for some weird reason so I don't take it as often as I should.  I just really don't know. That depression/anxiety monster keeps rearing it's head and frankly I'm sick and tired of it.  I can't write much, I can't do all of the marketing for my books that I want to.  The only thing I can do is take care of my kids and work on my relationship with the hubs.

It makes me wonder if  I should consider giving up writing (permanently or temporarily). It makes me wonder if I should beg borrow and steal money to send the family to the nephews wedding this summer and go back and see my mommy (some friends are in the process of losing their mom right now and it makes me miss mine terribly)

I guess with stuff like this (busy, crazy, out of control life and career), you might never know what is bringing it all on because there is just so much stuff going on. I've been meaning to write about depression for a long time, but it is just so hard for me to organize my thoughts over it because it is so different for every person.  

Depression for me is something that runs in the background. It is like a nagging child/spouse/parent that won't leave you alone but doesn't cause a huge problem.  Anxiety and fear on the other hand are huge, life altering problems for me. And these three things tend to go hand in hand for a lot of people.  If I have trouble with fear and anxiety,  depression is also noticeable. 

But this time it is different. I don't really feel any anxiety or fear.  I am completely able to dive right into trying to get my name/books out there, as in I'm not scared to do it, but I am having a hard time actually getting down to the task. (and if it was a typical episode, I never would have published in the first place).

So how does fear and anxiety manifest itself in me?  I wont' answer the phone, I shake when I have to drive somewhere, I won't answer the door even if it is the postal service/ups, I will go out and about, but I am extra shy, even around people I already know. I would never publish a book or ask people to buy it (even online where there is always a certain anonymity) I would never comment on other people's blogs. I would lose sleep worrying over the kids, the finances, everyday life.  Thank goodness I haven't had this kind of anxiety/fear in many many years! 

Depression for me is just an overall feeling of melancholy  It is also not wanting to do what I enjoy - taking the kids places, going on dates with the hubs, writing, reading, computer time.  And I cry at the drop of a hat. Mainly I just want to be left alone.  I guess you could say that the depression I'm feeling right now is not as bad as what I mentioned above.  I just feel kind of blah, I don't want to do anything but relax and play. I don't want to work on my book and I don't want to do marketing for my already released books. 

Friends and family think most of it has to do with my pain and the fact that I seem to not have enough time in the day to do what i want and need to do. I guess, I kind of agree with that because my physical limitations are really getting to me.  I just want to be whole again (or even partially whole). I just want to not feel pain/weakness/stiffness when I want to take a quick trip to the store. I just want to be able to lift my baby and carry her into the store. I just want to feel healthy again. And I have so much to do.  I need to write, I need to market, I need to take care of the kids, I need to enjoy the new found closeness that the hubs and I have found. And when I feel overwhelmed, I get depressed.  

So, how am I going to cure this?  Well, as soon as my current prescription runs out I'm going to ask the doctor about maybe taking four ten mg. pills a day instead of the one forty mg pill that always gets stuck (Only pill ever in my life I've had trouble swallowing and have you seen some of those prenatal vitamins- they are huge) And then I need to come up with some way to get healthier.  I have started a 'diet' and I am searching in depth for answers about my hips (sorry, can't afford a doctor at this time). And I think I will try to make a schedule and actually stick to it.  I will have to split everything up but I think I can still do what I need to do.

Until Next Time... Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!!! GET HELP!

Depression and anxiety are not fun. If you think you might have it, please ask for help. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to.  There is help, and it is manageable. If you are already being treated and nothing is working, keep asking for more or new medicines.  The right dosage might take time.  And talking to someone is very very important. Sometimes just talking about things can help greatly.  And no matter what, if you are put on medication to help your depression do not go off of it without doctor supervision! If you have to, set a timer so you remember to take it, that's what I've done.  

Anybody who would like to tell there story or do a guest post about depression and or anxiety is welcome to do so.  Please just let me know.  Sometimes hearing other people's stories can help someone struggling to get the help they need.  brokenwifeandmom@gmail.com

PRETTY COLORS AND SWIRLIES OH MY

I have a new addiction/obsession. I didn't plan on it, but it happened and it slowly taking over my free time.  You see I received a Kindle Fire as a gift and I thought I would be spending a lot of time on it catching up with my midnight reading or playing four pictures one word types of games and maybe watching the occasional movie with my free month of Amazon Prime.  Well you know, I've done a bit of that stuff, but how do I spend a majority of my free time these days???

Playing with the Kaleidoscopic drawing app.  I basically sat there for hours the other day when I was under the weather running my finger over the touch screen again and again and again.. (See and you folks didn't think I had an exciting life...haha!) How can it not be fun right?  Colors and swirlies and mirror images oh my!

It used to be when I would come home from going somewhere I would get on the computer to market this blog or my books and check all of my stats obsessively (Yeah, I talked about that last time I think).  Well, the last few days I head straight for my kindle and my kaleidoscope app. Who cares if I'm going to sell books right? Umm well I actually do care and I have kept up with the marketing, just maybe not as religiously as I should.  I am proud to say that I haven't been checking my stats obsessively :)  (Are you proud of me?).

So how did I realize that I was addicted/obsessed or whatever you call it?  When one of my kids asked if they could have a turn on my kindle (yes I downloaded stuff for them and in fact the kaleidoscope was supposed to be theirs). I grabbed the damn kindle and held it to my chest and cried..."No! Leave me alone, I'm drawing!"  Um yeah, I think it's time I revisit my priorities here.  I have vowed to let my kids use the kindle more (okay, once  day each if they behave) The rest of the time it is MINE!!!  I must see the colors and pretty swirlies, I must see the colors and pretty swirlies, I must see the colors and... Oh um, sorry about that.  I am hoping that some day I can put the kindle down and get back to life as I know it....Kids, Husband, Marketing, Writing and REPEAT. ( See, I told you that you didn't think I had an exciting life!)

Until next time... We all have our little obsessions/addictions but they usually go away with time.  So I guess I'm trying to say enjoy it while you can because eventually life will come back to you and intrude...and then it is onto the next one! ;) (And check out the kaleidescope app, it's hella fun! )

PATIENCE - THOUGHT I HAD IT

Want to know what is scary as hell? We gave away over 400 books in our free weekend promo and that means, excluding friends who bought them, there are about 400 strangers who now know my name and own one of my books!!!! Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!! Now lets just hope a good number of them leave reviews on Amazon and Goodreads so my rank goes up and my book is more visible and I can sell some!!! I'm not in this for the money, obviously, but it would be nice to make back my initial investment.....haha!
I never expected that many free books to 'sell'. When I look for free romance books on Amazon there are so many that I get tired of looking after about the first ten pages or so. I'm not sure how people found my book, but they sure did. There were only two countries in Amazon's network that didn't buy any books. I was shocked that people in France, Italy, Spain, England etc were interested in my little books.

At least now I know that people find the subject matter interesting because I know for me, if the subject doesn't sound interesting, I won't get the book even if it is free. I just needed a little exposure and that exposure was the word "free" attached to my book. Now if I get the reviews, people might see that it is worth the money to actually buy it!

Now it is just wait and see. I've read articles where people said it takes a week to a month to start noticing results from free giveaways. I can be a patient person when I need to be. I hope this is one of those times that I can be the most patient person on the planet because if I can't, it isn't going to be fun in my house. I'll get moody and start second guessing myself (all while writing book two in my series) and the kids will notice. I might get a bit snippy if I'm feeling down enough (yeah, my mood is what makes me snippy and not the kids themselves...right?)

Of course I will have to try to stop myself from checking my statistics multiple times a day, although again, patience comes in handy for that too. I tend to check things over and over until I go insane. If I can check them maybe once a day or even once every other day I think maybe that would help. (Yeah, don't count on it, but at least I'm trying right?)

I tend to have patience for some things more than others. My kids, yeah as long as they aren't being overly obtuse, I have a lot of patience for them. Waiting for a package to come or to find out how many page views I've had - not so much. I have been know to track my packages obsessively ( kind of like when I found out a Kindle Fire gift was being sent to me) and I have been known to check my blog stats every half hour.

Okay so as I write this I am learning something about myself. I don't have nearly as much patience as I thought. What the heck. I always considered myself to be a very patient person but really there are only some situations when I have any patience. Oh boy. Now I must reconsider my whole life. ;)

Until Next Time...Beware of writing blog posts. You might just learn something new about yourself. No really what I want to say is that you should try your hardest to have patience. Being impatient can cause a lot of trouble, heartache and craziness...Hey, maybe that's why I'm so crazy...hmmm something else to think about. :D

SPRING FEVER AND ME!!!

Spring fever doesn't just hit school kids. Guess how I know that?  Yep, it has hit me so hard  I can't even function.  Of course it doesn't help me that my hips are driving me up a wall lately and I think I am coming down with something. Sore, dry throat, earache, stuffy hurting head.  Blah!

I am so excited about the next installment of my Sunset Destiny Romance series but I can't seem to bring myself to work on it much.  I assumed it was because of my hips and not being able to sit comfortably anywhere in the house to type. But then I started thinking about it.  I think I have spring fever.  Even as a school kid I never got it this early.  But then again as a school kid, our spring break was never the first week of March. :/

We had a few days of sixty degree weather and I must say it was heaven! Yeah yeah I know, sixty isn't too warm for most people, but for us here in Centeral Wyoming, that's bikini weather! It was perfect.  We'd had spring break and temps in the 50's and 60's spring must be here so the brain kicks in with spring fever.  And then what happens? I woke up to three inches of snow this morning and more is expected throughout the next few days.  Winter is back! So maybe my spring fever will go back into hibernation?   Yeah, probably not.  Once I get it I am stuck with it. (at least it's not a forever thing right?)

So what does that mean for my novel?  I'm not sure yet.  Maybe when this bug goes away and I'm not achy and stuffy and tired and blah I will feel comfortable enough to sit at the table and type again and I will only have to worry about keeping my mind on track and my novel will complete itself (seemingly not really). Or maybe once I feel better I will still be unable to get my butt up off the couch to head to the table and work. And maybe I will be able to write, but still not be able to figure out how to best structure my complicated  sentences. (Which makes for even more complicated editing).

For some reason I don't see this bout of Spring fever getting any better. And the main reason why is that we are all looking forward to The Senior's graduation. [SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!!] How in the heck can I concentrate when my daughter is going through one of the most stressful, exciting, wonderful times of her life!  And then I have to prepare for the relatives that will invade in May.  That will be much more exciting than concentrating on sentence structure and Grammar. (Although it won't be as exciting as concentrating on my story line. so hmmmm....)

As it is, I have started to let the kids slack on chores and they got so used to it that I had to get tough again. Hopefully my house will shape up but I somehow doubt it will, at least before guests start to arrive.  But that's okay, it's spring right?

I've met people who don't suffer from spring fever and I envy them.  I always have, I probably always will.  I crave watching my kids go outside to play or being able to sleep in, or do whatever they want during the day.  The teachers that pile on the homework start to piss me off this time of year and I know it's wrong to be mad, but come on people it's spring, the weather is changing (in most places at least) It's time to relax and have some fun! Okay, so I know the work still needs to be done, but I DON'T WANNA!!!! I have spring fever after all ;) And all I want to do is play with my new Kindle Fire (a very generous gift) and relax to recover from scraping windows all winter!

Until Next Time...If you get spring fever, enjoy it! But don't let it take over your life because eventually you will HAVE TO get back to work!!!!

ANONYMOUS

Nowadays you sometimes wonder if there are any generous people left on the planet.  There is so much murder, self righteousness, judgement and meanness here. It is kind of sad really.  And then someone does something out of the blue to help someone, or just plain make someone's day better.  I was graced with one of these wonderful people just the other day.

I was going about my business, working on the social media blitz for my novel, (failing miserably thus far :/) when I received a notice on my Facebook. Someone I knew as a fellow February 2011 mom had tagged me in a post.  It seems that someone had anonymously bought me a portrait of my Rizzy girl. (I'd been trying to win a free one for her last two or three facebook contests!)  If you don't know about Rizzy, go check out this post about her here PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Needless to say, I was floored!  I cried, I giggled, I was speechless (yeah I know, never happens right?) I couldn't believe someone had been kind enough to do this for me.  Someone really understood how much Rizzy meant to me and how much I miss her to this day. I thanked the portrait artist and asked her to pass along a great big thank you to whoever bought this wonderful keepsake for me. I wish there was more I could do for this person, but other than mentioning them in my upcoming book and writing this blog post, I don't know what else I could do.  But like many generous people, they probably don't need more than a basic thank you.  I know when I give from my heart, I don't need anything in return.  Seeing (or hearing about) tears, a smile, a grateful receiver is more than enough.  So to you Mr./Ms. Anonymous - I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I will often wonder who you are, one of my friends, a family member, a blog fan, a book fan.  But truthfully if I never find out who did this I will be okay, and you know why?  Because this simple thing gives me hope for the human race.  There still are people out there who love and give generously of their hearts, wallets and time.  True feel good moments are rare these days, and this old mom was just on the receiving end of one!!!

Until Next Time...Give of yourself and ask nothing in return because in all actuality you will get something in return.  You will get the satisfaction of knowing that you affected someone's life positively.  You will get the satisfaction of knowing that you have given hope to the human race.

If you get a chance, go visit Brianne's Abstract Pet Portraits on Facebook.  But don't be surprised if she isn't accepting new orders for a few days here and there because she is not only a fabulous artist who is always busy with orders, she has a two year old just a sassy and cute as Little Butt to contend with. She always re opens the 'store' for new orders though!!!  BRIANNE'S ABSTRACT PET PORTRAITS

ME TIME!

I did something yesterday that I hadn't done in a long long time.  I took time to myself, went to my bedroom and put a movie in my computer.  A movie I wanted to see, not one the kids wanted to watch, not one the husband was watching when I went in to take a nap. A MOVIE I WANTED TO WATCH!!! And boy oh boy did it feel good to do something just for me.

Of course with five kids in the house it wasn't exactly smooth sailing...at first.  The little's (miss crazy and mr insane) wanted to follow me because the guy from dish and just been there and fixed the TV reception in my room after about 4 months. They only wanted to watch my TV and not the one out front. So at first they were loud and trying to look over my shoulder and trying to basically just bother me.  Well I finally got tired of it and told them that mommy deserved some 'me time' and they better knock it off or there would be hell to pay.  IT WORKED!!! For once in their lives, they listened to me!!!!!!!!!  So from about 15 minutes into Breaking Dawn pt. 2 until the end, all I did was just sit there watching a movie with no interference from the kids.  The only thing that kept me from completely relaxing was the fact that Little Butt was acting sick, but she was safely sleeping on her oldest sister so I felt I could take that minute for me.

This is something I haven't done in probably years.  I remember looking at the computer and seeing that the movie was half over and thinking 'Dang I haven't heard a peep from any kids in almost an hour, this is really nice!!!' and then I delved back into my movie. By the time it was over, I felt so relaxed and I guess you could call it a bit rejuvenated? I really should do this more often. You know, maybe once every two years instead of four?!?!?!  

The good thing is - the older the kids get the easier it will be to do things just for me. They will have their own interests and activities to keep them busy. You know, one thing I really want to do, is shut my bathroom door and take a bath BY MY DAMN SELF!  I hope someday that will happen once the three littlest can bathe themselves...but then again I still have the teens coming in to talk while i'm in there so maybe the bath idea will have to wait for a long time.  But movie/reading time...from now on that is MY TIME, and the kids will just have to learn to live with it! :)

Until next time...Take that time to enjoy yourself. Don't feel Guilty. Stick with it. Be firm about it. Just do it. I promise, you won't regret it! :)

Don't forget  to check out my new  'PAGE' above. It has all of the links to buy my books.  If you do read my books, please leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads!  Thanks so much  for your support!

SOCIAL NETWORKING

I really had no idea, I mean no idea!!!! There are so many social networking sites out there now and until I published a book on my own, I had no idea how many.  I was part of facebook, twitter, tumblr and I had an unused myspace account. Now I have a linkedin, amazon book club, bookblog, IAN social network and probably a dozen others that I don't visit every day. What I will do to sell copies of my book has become absolutely nuts.

I can't tell you how many times a day I copy and paste my URL's, links, book synopsis, author bio and type in my email address.  You would think I memorized everything right?  Oh hell no.  I'm too lazy to do that.  Copy/Paste is my best friend! One of these days when i'm not working on the next book, hanging with the kids or social networking I will get all of the info I use on those sites and put them all in the same document to make copying easier.  As it is now, I have a million tabs open on the computer at any given time so I have access to all of my stuff.

Is it a waste of time?  I have no idea yet.  I guess we will find out if in a couple of months none of my efforts have resulted in sales.  I will definitely have to consider cutting back if it all seems for naught. It takes a lot of work to get the word out.  I'm really afraid that I won't get the 'hang' of it and I will end up spending more time networking my first novel than I will writing the second one.  I literally marketed all day for two days.  And it seems like every day I find a new way to do it and that just adds to my workload.

I hope to get into a routine.  7 am -10 am marketing and networking, 11 am - 6 pm writing, 6:30 pm-7:30 pm marketing and networking and then 8:00- bedtime writing.  We'll see how that goes.

At this point I am willing to do just about anything (free) to get my book out there and noticed.  I"m not looking to sell a million copies, but I would love to have a loyal following and know that people like what i've done!  In the end, I know the hard work will be worth it and if I ever get discouraged (or bored with the marketing) all I have to do is remind myself of this.

The most exciting part of this whole process is meeting some great new people!  You have the people you follow on twitter who won't follow you back because you are possible competition  yet they have no problem periodically DM ing you to remind you to buy their stuff. :/ and then on the exact opposite side of that you have the ones who offer to do interviews or spotlights of your work free of charge!  I've already had my first author interview because a gentleman (and fellow author) was willing to give me a chance.  I will forever be grateful to him for that.  I will link later to his site so you can check out his work.  I can't wait to get my first copy of one of his books! You also find people who are excited to have a new author in the field and they give you many websites and much great advice to help you succeed. I must say, I have met some wonderful people through social networking/marketing and for that I am grateful and it makes me want to be just like them and help others succeed in their goals.

So for now, I am busy busy busy, a bit overwhelmed, and wonderfully happy with the way things are going.  For once, I am actually enjoying my job! (Yes you can enjoy it and be annoyed/flabergasted/overwhelmed by it because that means you are being challenged!)

Until next time...If you start a new endeavor, be prepared to work very hard!  In the end it will be well worth it and hopefully you will have the time of your life!  :) If you want to buy my book, I have links on the side!  Check them out :)

Please visit http://rcbonitz.com and check out his work.  He did my first author interview and I hope to have him on here soon in an author interview!  :) and if you hurry you might still be able to read my interview! :)

LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

I talked to a few people online who have physical limitations about the struggles they go through in their love relationships and here is what we came up with to make a 'troubled' relationship stronger.

So, we all know the ups and downs of love relationships right? Trust, love, desire, honesty it is all about working hard to keep things going. When you factor a physical limitation into all of that, what do you get? Well, you get a lot more hard work!

The spouse who isn't physically limited is bound to, at some point, feel like they are carrying way to much of the burden. The physically limited spouse is bound to feel guilty for not being able to do an equal amount of the physical aspects of having a family and they might also feel unappreciated for doing the stuff that they are able to do. Caring for the emotional well being of a household can sometimes be just as tiring as doing all of the driving, or carrying of kids, or fixing of things around the house.

So what happens when you put a person who feels like they do everything together with a person who feels guilty, but overworked (and always in pain) at the same time? FIREWORKS!!! Things can get rough. But if your relationship is strong and you work hard, you can overcome a lot.  When you add in the whole intimacy issue, when one partner has limitations on what they can do physically, well you have to work even harder.

I think the key thing in a relationship like this is UNDERSTANDING.  They physically able partner must absolutely understand what their partner is going through.  If they ever doubt their partner's physical capabilities that is going to ruin things right there. Understand and accept that they can not help you drive across the state, pull up carpet, carry the baby to the car. And for goodness sake  do not compare the physically limited partner to others.  Just because friend A has bad knees/hips/feet/back/eyes too and can do some physical stuff doesn't mean your partner can.  They may have different problems or different symptoms.

As for the physically limited partner, they need to realize that their significant other might need a bit more emotional support when they take over the physical duties of the house. An extra (or 100) 'good job!' can go a long way.  An extra hour break from doing the physical stuff (play on game console, taking a walk, watching TV, reading....) can also do wonders.  Don't be so hard on them if they don't finish a task right away.

Most of all, if there is only one person in the house bringing in income because of the physical limitations, do not hold that against the non working person.  There are plenty of things they do in  life to earn their share of the money brought home.  Money is one of the top problem causers in a relationship as it is, so don't make it worse in an already challenged relationship.

What is a good way to keep things going good in a challenged relationship?  Time alone is great.  Take a weekly, or even monthly date ALONE together.  If you have no one to babysit kids (if you have any) then by all means just let the kids play (or sleep) while you sit/lay alone in your bedroom and talk.  Talking is great for a relationship.

As for my relationship, I wouldn't say it's been easy because it hasn't, but we've done something right because in June we will be celebrating nineteen years of marriage and in October we will have been together 21 years!

Until next time...no matter what the challenges of your relationship are, if you want it to work then make it work. Relationships aren't easy, they are all about hard work!

SPRING BREAK...FUN AT HOME!!!

Well, spring break is over and I am still alive, as are all of the children and the husband too!  We actually had a nice break.  We have a new living room floor and will soon have a new kitchen one too.  We have new furniture that we got at a great deal.  A couch, love seat, and rocking chair for six hundred dollars.  I'll tell you right now, I don't know what I will do without tax refunds once the kids are gone and we don't get much.  This year we got enough to do our floors, replace our stained tattered furniture, pay off some debt and publish my books.

NEW LIVING ROOM FLOOR (AND LITTLE BUTT)

What was the funnest part of our little vacation?  Just doing nothing too important!  I didn't make the kids do too many chore projects (laundry is still behind but we'll catch up...eventually). About 3/4 of the way through we decided that maybe we shouldn't put off the flooring or furniture any longer so the last few days were really busy but the rest of the time included lots of x box time,  reading time, social networking time.  It was really fun!

The weather was great most days so the little ones got to go outside and play which was a life saver for us.  Cabin fever can kiss my a**! This is not to say that there still aren't some lingering effects. The kids fought like crazy.  The Senior and The Freshman, Miss Crazy and Mr. Insane, Mr Insane and Little Butt.  Those are the times when I am tempted to have that dungeon built under our home...but then they start getting along again and we start to have fun. There were lots of family dinners (lunches and breakfasts too)  And The Shooter took the time to have a father/child date with each of the kids.  Doesn't happen often with his work schedule, that's for sure!

I published my two books and have done a lot of social networking. I see words like twitter, linkedin, facebook, etc. floating before my eyes while I sleep now. :/  But the kids are back in school.  The Shooter is back at work and as soon as I am done typing up this blog I will be starting work on book 2 of the Sunset Destiny Romance series.  I am excited to get back to work, but I wish spring break was just another week long!

THE FRESHMAN AND MISS CRAZY ON THE NEW LOVE SEAT

I didn't get much chance to sleep in because I had so much networking to do and we had so much work the last couple of days (floor and furniture) but that's okay because when I got home from dropping Miss Crazy off at school this morning. I laid back down and fell back to sleep for a bit and then the shooter took me out for breakfast.  So all is now good with the world...except...I have to drive daily again...blech  and I have to do it in the snow today.  The forecast said high forties, partly cloudy and chance of rain showers in the afternoon.  By nine o'clock it was snowing like crazy.  We aren't supposed to get much, but it was totally not what we'd been expecting.  I had shorts picked out for Little Butt to wear around the house and I think The Senior was planning on wearing a dress. So, the winter coats came back out and we are eagerly looking forward to the sixty degree weather coming up later in the week.  After writing all of this, I think the key word for this last week was....RELAXING.  I finally had a chance to relax a bit.  Not totally because after all, I am a mom, but some.  That's fine by me!  I enjoyed it thoroughly!!!

Until next time...Sometimes breaks aren't for seeing how much fun you can get into a short period. Once in a while when you get that break, just enjoy it.  Just relax and be grateful that you aren't super busy for once. <3

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INDEPENDENT AUTHOR NETWORK

NEW MOMMY BLOGGER BOOK!!!

I have a new book about my blog coming out this weekend.  It will be available from create space, amazon and kindle!  I am giving you all a sneak peek at my cover right here and now.

ALL GROWN UP

My oldest baby girl is pretty much all grown up.  In 2 3/4 months she will be graduating from High School.  Can you believe it?  Oh wait, you don't really know her. But I sure know I can't believe it!  It seems just like yesterday I was walking into the hospital hoping this was finally it and finding out I was just dilated enough for them to want me to stay.  Twelve hours later, the day before The Shooter's birthday my very first child was born.  We had no idea if the baby would be a boy or a girl because during ultrasounds her cord was always snugly planted between her legs.  When she came out...the doctor had to move the cord out of the way to tell us that she was indeed a girl. Truthfully we were expecting a boy because girls are very uncommon on the husband's side of the family and since sperm decide the sex of the baby....yeah.

Now she is 17 and a senior in high school and about ready to walk across that stage.  Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. I sure hope I'm ready for it! Granted she will be going to college locally so it's not like she's moving thousands of miles yet, but I still feel kind of...happy....sad....excited...crazy....OLD!

What brought all of this on almost three months before the event?  Well, we are re doing our flooring so when people come from out of town to visit during graduation they won't see how much my children have spilled on and dragged dirt through my living room and ruined my carpet.  I know, I know, not something sentimental and gushy to bring these thoughts to mind, but come on, this is me we are talking about.  A sneeze can make me think of the weirdest things.  Maybe that is why I have so many story ideas?

Not that I don't get mushy about my kids' milestones because I do.  Just wait until May, I will be a blubbering mess with a camera in my hands. I won't have any idea what pictures I take will look like until after the night is over and I upload them because I will have tears in my eyes the whole time.

I must say, I am a lucky mom.  The Senior is a wonderful child.  She gets great grades, is very kind and giving and will some day be a great mom. That is if she can find a decent guy. She has had the worst possible luck with guys of any teen I know of.  Jerks, dummies, a**h***s, she's had them all.  She's even been through a broken engagement. So now, onto the future! She has a current boyfriend and things seem to be going great for once - he is a nice kid, intelligent and seems to have his head on straight (as straight as a teenaged boy gets) so we all just hope it keeps going that way.

So what is next for my first baby?  College!!!  She is going to have so much fun! I hope she is able to meet a lot of great, kind, influential people to help her get a great start on her adult life.  We can't ask for anything more.  It is hard to believe that my role in her life is almost done.  Soon I will just be a support system and not a supporter of life.

Until next time...Hold your kids tight and remember, they grow up very fast so don't let time get away from you.    ENJOY YOUR KIDS TO THE FULLEST!!!

MY LITTLE CHATTERBOX - NUMBER 5

Well, the silent times are over.  It is official, I now have five chatterboxes living in my house.  Little Butt could talk and knew many words, but she just didn't do it much, especially all at once.  And now we can never shut her up.  She has something to say about everything that is going on in the house.  And she has already learned from her sisters to be a smart ass and to speak with attitude.

My wittle chatterbox

Typical conversation these days:

Me: Little Butt no. We don't do that.
Me: Little Butt mama said no!
Little Butt: No mama me do it. (look of defiance on her face)
Me: Little but No! We don't do that. (re direct her)
Little Butt: No mama me do it. Mama bad. (screaming and crying)

Sigh...She was so quiet at first, I had such hope that she wouldn't be a big talker.  But I should have know better. Her brother  was the same way and now he talks all the time (okay yells, but that is a whole other story) The other girls all talked continuously from day one. I guess I will never get a word in edgewise now, but that's okay because truthfully I'm tired of saying no and stop! haha

The other day Little Butt literally sat there and chattered about everything she was doing, for almost two hours.  It was so cute!  But also a bit frustrating because she was talking to me the whole time. Luckily I can understand most of what she was saying, but when I didn't, boy was there hell to pay!  I think she will have the speech problem three of the others had but that's okay, that is what speech therapists are for right?

Sweet chatter girl!

So, I had hoped that one day my house could be a quiet one, but now I'm not so sure.  She could always grow up to be a silent, broody teen, but with me as a mother and The Shooter as a father....yeah, I somehow doubt that.  We all have the gift of gab I would say.  I think our house will be crazy noisy until the last one leaves (Little Butt). But you know what?  I think I'll take it.  What would I do with quiet anyway?  Truthfully I think I would probably go insane with too much quiet.  I wouldn't know how to live that way anymore. (Although, I could do with a little less yelling ).

Besides, Little Butt talking can be the cutest thing you've ever heard.  When the dog licks here she turns to him, points and says stop it kroogie, like she's the boss of the world.  You really can't get any cuter than that.

Until next time... Sometimes, the things that you think are annoying actually have become a way of life for you, a way of life you actually can't live without.  Enjoy it! :)

COURAGE

Yesterday was a huge day for my family. Something we had all been working toward finally came to fruition. I became a published author. Everybody is so happy for me and I am grateful for the support.

So the day was all a giant celebration right? Nope. It was at first.  The family went out for lunch and they gave me peace and quiet while I finished up the marketing and kindle publishing. But then as usual  mama started to get a bit overwhelmed. Still excited - absolutely. Still grateful - absolutely. Absolutely one hundred percent overwhelmed - Oh hell yeah!

The Shooter and I decided to go out for dinner alone to celebrate and I perked up a bit, but as soon as we got home I started to slide again.  What the hell had I gotten myself into! People on my Facebook groups were talking about reading what I'd written. Crap what had just happened? Just a couple years ago it was almost impossible for me to let anyone read what I wrote. I had to literally force myself to let my own husband read it, and here I was putting it out there for everyone to read.

I started to second guess myself. What if it sucked.  What if the feedback I got from friends, family and strangers was all a lie.  What if I disappointed my friends when they read the book.  What if, what if, what if.  I had a lot of that going on last night! By the time I went to bed, I was about ready to crawl into a hole and hide forever so I wouldn't have to see the faces/hear the voices/see the posts of people who were reading my book.  I convinced myself that I didn't have any talent whatsoever and that I had just embarrassed myself on a global scale.

I read for a bit before bed - another self published author who I wont' mention by name, and checked Facebook on my phone one last time.  There I found out from a friend that my kindle version was finally available so of course I had to drag my big butt out of bed to get online to check. And there it was, in all it's glory, with a preview of the prologue, chapter 1 and part of 2. I read it and truthfully it was good. Much better than the book I'd just been reading (and it wasn't that bad really). I know I am nowhere near a great writer, I will probably never be the next Steven King, or Nora Roberts, , Edgar Alan Poe, or Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens). But you know, I could be worse and I think I wove a great story. And I know I will get better with time and with each book I write and each bit of studying I do.

So, what did it take for me to be a published author?  Courage. Plain and simple it took courage.  But how did I get that courage?  I am the biggest chicken s**t in the world when it comes to putting myself out there.  I hate criticism and I hate negativity. Well, truthfully I will never know what gave me the courage.  I had a lot of support and great people to work with, but I don't think that would have been enough to get me over my horrible fears.  All I know is that I am grateful for the courage I was able to come up with because this is absolutely the best feeling in the world right now.  I can't count on both hands how many books I've sold so far and the rush is incredible.  I know I will have more moments of self doubt (probably many more) but I am prepared to combat them.......with COURAGE.

Until next time...If you finally find the courage to do something you've always wanted to do but were too afraid to pursue it, then go with the flow!!!! Don't question it, just do it! Courage can pop up in times when you least expect it and for that I will be forever grateful.

MY BOOK COVER

Here you go folks! I promised a sneak peek of the book cover, so here it is.  Keep your eyes and ears open this coming week for release info.  When it happens it will be immediate!

NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT...EXCEPT...

I have no clue what to write about so I just opened up a post and started typing.  It isn't that I am not inspired today, because I have had a wonderful day and am inspired by a lot.  I have received the electronic proof of my book and am waiting for the hard copy to get here.  I have found things I didn't like and have made the changes that are needed. If I like the cover and other physical aspects of the book I will be publishing sometime in the next week.  How exciting is that! And quite inspiring.

I MIGHT GIVE A HINT (IN PICTURES) ABOUT MY UPCOMING ROMANCE NOVEL AT THE END OF THIS POST

My kids are being, well, my kids.  They aren't doing anything out of the ordinary - good or bad.  They are just being themselves.  You know, The Senior and Freshman are fighting all the damn time as usual and I'm about ready to kick them both to the curb (okay not really, but it makes me feel better when I actually use the words.) Miss Crazy is suffering from Middle child syndrome, which she has been for awhile and we are doing what we can to ease it. (see child attached to my side whenever possible)  Mr. Insane is being, um, insane?  He is loud (extraordinarily so) He loves all things weapons, fighting and superheroes and for once I wish I didn't have to listen to him do weapon sound effects! (I want to banish him to his room until he is ready for college, but that just wouldn't be nice.) And Miss Little Butt is driving me up a wall with her attitude (Jeez older girls, I wonder where she got that from! Knock it off or I'll kick you to the curb! Dang it felt even better to say that a second time) And do you know what the worst part of her attitude is now?  It is the speech.  That girl can talk back now!!! The moment all parents dread.  I am spending most of my time these days being disciplinarian. (Okay, most of my time is spent working on the novel, but the rest of it is spent disciplining my kids so maybe, someday, they will grow up to be civilized adults)

What inspired me to write the paragraph about my brats wonderful darling children?  Well you see, Spring break starts at 3:45 tomorrow and I am going to have to be with them all day every day for a week (I won't mention that my wonderful husband will be on vacation and home the whole time too -- oops, I just did!) All I can say is that the weather better be nice enough for them to go outside sometimes or I'm gonna flip my Shiz. Really, try being locked in the house with six other people for a week because you can't afford to go anywhere to get away. We have our spring break so early here that we usually still have snow on the ground and freezing temperatures.  Who the hell ever thought of that?  NCSD has their heads so far up their hineys...but that is another story for another day.

Believe me, In the end I won't complain too much (more) because I will have help at home and I won't have to get my aching hips in and out of the car to chauffeur them to or from school. But seriously, if they fight all. the. damn. time. I am going to lock them myself in a dungeon and they  I will not be seen until they are old enough to move out and get married (was thinking college, but then they tend to come back too often)

Wish me luck folks!  This next week will be a true test of my endurance (and sanity)

Until next time...During spring break, winter break, summer break etc.  Remember you love your kids and hopefully you will survive, and if you don't, at least you will get a nice, happy, quiet place to be :p

Aspects, themes and ideas about the novel! :)